Monday 13 September 2010

18 Textuality

Beep! Beep!

It was a text from my mum.

Hi luv. Me and your dad have been talking...

Hmm that sounds ominous...

...and we were just wondering...

Maybe not. Probably just want to know how to do something on the computer or ask when I'm going to pay them back the money I owe them.

...are you gay?...


We will still love you no matter what...

Oh well that's aright then! But still, what on earth? Why would they think that?

Ok, I have had my hair cut quite short. And I had been moaning to my mum about a particular guy only a few hours before. It wasn't code for 'I don't like men in general' though. I haven't started dancing on the other side of the ballroom.

There was more...

Also we've decided that your brother is our favourite child x

Ah right.

It was at this point that I knew there was definitely something suspicious going on. There is absolutely no way that they like my brother best. It's me that always calls them and sorts out their birthday presents, not him. Plus I've caused them far less trouble. It wasn't me that was brought home by the police one night because they'd caught me pissing against a wall.

No, something was occurring. I just wasn't sure what. It was actually as if my brother had sent the text from my mum's phone, but as she's in Edinburgh and he's in Southampton I couldn't fathom out how that could have happened.

I phoned my mum. As I waited for her to answer I realised how ridiculous it was going to sound that I was phoning to ask if she'd texted me enquiring whether I'm a lesbian. This resulted in me laughing after saying hi. One of those laughs where no sound comes out so my poor mum thought I was crying.

I finally managed to pull myself together and ask if she had texted me. She hadn't.

Curiouser and curiouser.

"So you don't think I'm a lesbian then?"

"Er, no."

"Good cause I'm not. I need to find out who thinks I am though..." and off I went, leaving my mum to panic about being a victim of identity fraud.

Next call was to my brother. "So how did you do it?"

After ten minutes of him saying he had no idea what I was going on about, and how he was 'far too busy' to be sending texts, I managed to get a confession out of him.

I'm afraid dear reader that I have to inform you that you can no longer believe any text you receive.

Your friend suggests meeting for lunch. Really?

Your local salon confirms your hair appointment. Pfff!

Your boyfriend thinks you should both have an early night. Whatever.

From now on you'll have to take everything with a pinch of salt because the worst phone application ever has been invented. One that lets you type in a 'to' number and a 'from' number and then whatever message you choose and off it pops to the recipient to appear in their inbox...

How evil is that?!

So be warned. I was lucky and there were no real consequences but you might not be so fortunate.

Of course there is the odd occasion when knowing that such an application exists could come in handy. When you wish you weren't the sender of a text.

Like when Taggart sent me a text after her third date with a nice man...

Loved up, loved up, loved up - that's what I am!x

Except she sent it to him instead...

Tuesday 7 September 2010

26 Liar, Liar!

Concerned: Er, Rapunzel didn't you say that you'd be updating your blog within the week...over three weeks ago?!

Rapunzel [looking sheepish]: I did. You are right. I'm sorry! It's just that I went up to Edinburgh while the Fringe was on and just didn't get the chance...

Concerned: Ok, we'll let you off. It still doesn't explain where you've been the last couple of months though...your last proper post was in June. Nothing interesting to write about I take it?

Rapunzel: Quite the opposite actually! Just been really busy working abroad filming in holiday resorts...

C: That doesn't sound much like work...

R: That's what my friends say! It is hard work I tell you! You try filming over 100 hotels in 30+ temperatures!

C: Our hearts bleed. So where did you do this 'work'?

R: All over. Benidorm, Portugal, Costa del Sol, Gran Canaria, Tenerife...

C: We get the idea. No need to brag. So what was Benidorm like? As tacky as its reputation suggests?

R: I was actually pleasantly surprised. I didn't think it deserved the image it has. That's until I saw a couple having sex in the middle of a bar...

C: Nice.

R: I wouldn't have minded so much but it was on a Sunday afternoon!

C: Indeed. So talking of er..romance, has there been any in your life or have you been too 'busy'?

R: I actually have had a few dalliances...

C: Do tell...

R: All in good time. I haven't blogged for a while remember? I need to warm-up!

C: Just get on with it. No-one likes a blogger that doesn't blog.

R: I know, I know!

C: Right we'll meet here in the same place in a couple of days. I'm warning you though..if you stand us up again this relationship is over...

R: I'll be here. Promise! Love you! x