Thursday 17 June 2010

35 Karma Chameleon

If my brother fell in the river, he would come out with salmon in his pocket. And it would probably already be smoked.

Putting it another way, he is a jammy sod.

He says that it is nothing to do with luck, and all about karma. He reckons that the good things that happen to him, are just repayment for the good deeds he has done for others.

That theory is causing him a problem today though, and knowing how wise you lot are, I'm hoping that you can help him...

Once upon a time this morning, The Bro was on the bus travelling to work when he found a mobile phone. A decent, newish phone. The sort you could sell for a few bob on eBay if you were that way inclined.

That didn't even cross The Bro's mind though. Instead, he saw it as his chance to pay off a karmic debt incurred when he lost his camera with all his photos on while travelling in Australia, and some kindly soul had handed it to the police station.

So The Bro sees that the last number dialled on the phone was 'Mum', and calls her to say that he is in possession of her child's property and would like to return it.

Arrangements are made for collection and The Bro continues with his morning, happy that he's finally karma debt-free.

That is until 'Mum' arrives, thanks him for his honesty, hands him an envelope and tells him to have a drink on her and her son.

'Mum' has clearly heard the myth about Scots being big drinkers, because in the envelope was £40. Enough for quite a few drinks.

This is all very nice but has given my brother a bit of a conundrum. Does that mean he is actually still in debt? Should he be passing on the money to keep the good karma flowing? He reckons that it would make a homeless persons day to be handed £40.

I do have slight concerns with this idea though, as just last week my friend gave a homeless man some money. He was so delighted with her generosity that he gave her a hug and in the process got his blood on her top.

Plus, she'd only given him a fiver. I dread to think what my brother might get if he hands over eight times as much.

I'm unsure what to suggest so I'm handing it over to you. Please help Rapunzel's brother with his dilemma.

Should he pass it on? If so to who? Or in what way? Does he do a few good deeds? Pay someone's bus fare? Buy a stranger a coffee? Put it in a charity collection box?

Or does he do exactly as 'Mum' told him and have a drink or few this weekend and feel happy in the knowledge that he's a lucky devil?!

Tuesday 15 June 2010

18 My Hug For You

Who wouldn't want to receive an email titled 'My Hug For You' first thing on a Tuesday morning?

I was delighted.

Okay I didn't recognise the name of the sender, but if they were happy to give out hugs, I would be happy to receive them.

I opened the mail and started to read...

Good morning!

Please, contribute some time to read this mail and you would not regret about it.

I suppose it would be a surprise for you but I want you to find some time to read this letter. Firstly, I want to answer the first question that you can ask me about “Where I took your e-mail?” 7 month ago, I logged the web site. Do you know it? It can be so that you do not remember me but earlier we had a talk there. I do not have an access to the Internet for a long time and that is why I could not send a message you. Now I have it and I guess we can continue our talk.
I think you are also looking for goo relations, right. I suppose that it is the only possibility for me and that is why I decided to send letter for you.

Now I want to tell you about myself. I am Rima. I am 28 years old.I went through pain and suffering during my life. Now I am happy because everything I have now I have achieved by myself. But I have no boyfriend, that is what I want to change my life now. I want to find a man who will understand and help me. He should be not only as a man but a good friend also. I want to open my heart and soul in a full way.
Now I do not depend on somebody and provide own myself. I have a good job,which satisfies all my needs. I lead healthy-life style from my childhood and regularly go in for sports. I do not drink and smoke. If you want to know me better, please, answer to my letter.

I guess we would enjoy of our talk with you. I hope you do not regret that paid attention, read this letter, and will surely reply to me. I am waiting for your answer to start our long and interesting communication. Yours Rima.

What a lovely email. Rima was right - I was glad I'd read it and I certainly did not 'regret about it.'

Admittedly I'm not exactly overjoyed about the fact she has 'outed me' by announcing that I was on I was never going to tell you. I was too embarrassed. She looks so nice in her photo above though, that I don't think I could stay angry at her.

Yes, when I started online dating in a bid to find a man, that was my website of choice. I actually had high hopes for it. I know the usual connotations of a sugar daddy are of rich men who lavish money on poorer, younger females in return for 'companionship' but that's not how it is nowadays is it?

Well yes, actually it is, if the sort of men that contacted me are anything to go by.

There was the one whose first email to me mentioned the size of his appendage.

Or there was the guy who wanted to take me skiing but insisted that I'd have to be 'discreet.'

Actually even my first post about starting online dating will read a whole lot differently to you, now you know that I'd unwisely become a sugarbabe.

Hmmm. It wasn't exactly a success.

Mind you, I might not have any luck finding my Mr Right on it, but it looks like I've made a lovely new friend. I must admit that I can't remember talking to any females when I was a member, but if Rima said I did, then I must have.

It doesn't really matter anyway. Just as long as we've found each other now cause Rima and I have a lot in common.

She wants to find a man who will 'understand and help' her. Me too! I want a man that has no problems with my Scottish accent, and will help me carry my bags when I've been to the supermarket.

She wants to 'open her heart and soul in full way.' Only the other day I was telling my concierge that I wanted to do the same.

She's had 'pain and suffering' in her life. I have as well. Just yesterday I had a bit of a headache.

In fact the only difference is that I'm not looking for a 'goo relationship.' I'm not keen on any kind of 'goo' at all. I find it difficult even when people blow their noses around me cause I think of what is coming out.

Other than that though, I think Rima and I have the potential to become great friends. So you'll understand if I stop blogging it is just that I'm very busy having 'long and interesting communication' with my new BFF.

Tuesday 8 June 2010

22 I'm Single, Let's Mingle

There was a moment the other week that I thought I was going to be a bit like Bob Geldof.

I'd come up with the idea for a brilliant campaign and I felt pretty sure it was going to be become a world-wide phenomenon. Plus, it was going to be a very worthy venture because it would help a large chunk of the population that are really in need but often get forgotten about.

And they are of course...Single People.

My brainwave came about quite by accident. If you remember, last post but one, was about how I'd given out my phone number to a random barman, and despite subsequently discovering that he had a girlfriend, I decided that it was still a good approach. I finished by telling you that I'd had the opportunity to do it again the same week...

Basically I was out with my friend Lu (so named because she is just a 'little un') and we'd just popped into one of our regular haunts for some pub grub, when the barman greeted me with 'I know you!'

I also knew him, but I wasn't sure where from. I don't know about you but I'm terrible for placing people when I see them out of context. I remember being adamant that a fellow diner in a restaurant was from a boyband, when in actual fact he just worked in my local Tescos.

It became clear though, when barman explained that he'd got a new job and just a few weeks before he'd been working in my local bar.

Ah yes, of course.

What was still unclear though, was how he knew that I frequent his previous place of employment, because when he did work there I swear that he never used to pay me the blindest bit of attention.

Unfortunately I can't say the same for me because Mr Barman was so gorgeous I couldn't help but look at him. His face was made to be ogled. It would have been rude not to.

Anyway I decided to ignore the past and concentrate on the fact that Mr Barman was paying me attention in the here and now. (Well they do say that the present is a gift and all that.)

As it was only a few days since my 'success' with Luscious Luke, and I was still feeling ten foot tall and bullet-proof, I decided that I would not be leaving without giving my number to this fittie.

Anyway, cutting a long story short, and bypassing accounts of my attempts to flirt for Scotland, it soon became time for us to leave. Despite being desperate for a wazz, I told Lu that I didn't need and let her go to the ladies alone (Girl in 'Going to Toilet on Her Own' Shocker!) because I was going to make my move...

Okay here goes....

C'mon Rapunzel, you can do it..

I'm sorry readers but I couldn't 'do it'. Turns out I'm a big feardy cat.

I tried to convince myself that it was because I didn't want to become a 'number-giver-outer-floozie'. Also I like that bar he works in and I didn't want to make things awkward for either of us any time I went back in there.

Fact is though, I think I was most worried that he may actually have a girlfriend. Of course he may not have been interested in me full stop anyway.

What if he was though, and just didn't think it appropriate to be making moves on the customers a few weeks into a new job?

If only there was a way for single people to tell that other single people were single.

That's when I had a brainwave...

People could wear something to indicate their single status. Like those traffic light nights where people wear certain coloured clothes depending on what they are 'up for' that evening. This would be a daily thing though, similar to those that are married wearing a ring.

There starteth my idea for a campaign. It was going to be brilliant!

I mentioned it to my mum, thinking she'd feel proud about how clever her daughter is. She just wanted to know what I'd envisaged people wearing. Her suggestion was a sticker.

Yep, a sticker. Seriously.

Okay I might not have come up with anything definitive but I knew for sure that 'a sticker' was a pants idea. For starters you never know when you might meet your Mr or Mrs Right so should be advertising your singleness at all times.

I can just imagine if I'd turned up for work at the Breast Unit wearing my 'I'm available' sticker. I'm pretty sure that my new boss would have promptly called my temp agency to express concern that it seemed I was more interested in picking up doctors than typing up letters.

Nope that definitely wasn't going to work. I called my brother to tell him what a silly suggestion my mum had made and asked for his ideas. Imagine my surprise when he informed me that my whole campaign was shit.

He pointed out that if us single girls were wearing a ring, bracelet, t-shirt, tattoo, sticker or whatever, that announced we were unattached, we could no longer ward off any minging guys that approached us, with the excuse that we have a boyfriend.

Oh yeah. I could see his point. And I didn't have any comeback for him.

So that was the end of that. My time as a campaign leader lasted for a mere...ooh...half an hour.

Unless you have any suggestions on how to make it work that is? Come on, unweds need you! Help singles mingle!

Friday 4 June 2010

18 Keeping Abreast

Boobs, breasts, mammaries, jugs, knockers, hooters, bazookas.

Whatever you call them. They've been on my mind a lot over the last few weeks.

I suppose it is understandable really, as I've just had a boob job.

Oh wait, that doesn't sound right does it?

My brother did warn me not to say that. I thought he just meant it was best not to say I'd been temping in a hospital breast unit. Just in case people think I don't want to work in TV anymore, and stop contacting me about jobs.

I realise what he was actually getting at now though.

It was too late anyway, cause I'd already told quite a few people about my current employment, before my bro offered his words of wisdom.

I've had a lot of interesting TV jobs. Like the one where I accompanied a group of agoraphobics to Japan. Or the one filming a board game convention in Vegas, or the hamster competition in Bolton. Or the one where I attended 999 calls with the police. Or the one with Ricky Hatton, as he prepared for his big fight. Or the extremely difficult one, that involved spending my days meeting male models.

Weirdly though, people have shown a lot more interest in my job in the breast unit, than they have in any of those ones.

Men in particular. Strange.

Fishy went so far as to say that it sounded like his dream job. I was quite surprised. He doesn't strike me as the sort whose life ambition is to be a medical secretary. I suppose you never can tell though.

It wasn't bad as temp jobs go. My role involved typing up letters about boobs and moobs.

Strictly speaking, those aren't the actual terms that are used. I'm sure it is only a matter of time till they are though, cause it is very important to keep up-to-date.

I hope when they do have a revamp of their terminology, they have a look at some of the other expressions they use at the same time. In particular the one where they say 'on examination, both breasts were unremarkable.'

I mean how rude is that?!

To me that is a 'good news, bad news' situation.

"Well madam, the good news is that you have nothing to worry about regarding lumps and bumps etc...but the bad news is that your boobs aren't even worth a mention."

I discussed this with my friend Tony. He assured me that this was factually inaccurate. He said that all breasts are worth commenting on. Regardless of size. He said there had even been surveys done on this very matter.

Actually, now that I think about it, I might have made up the survey bit. He was pretty insistent that he knew what he was talking about though. As if he had boob knowledge. Like he was some kind of an expert.

While we were on the the subject, I should have asked him a few questions that I have about boobs. In particular, the ones that I have about topless sunbathing.

I get quite confused, because it seems there are a lot of unwritten rules surrounding this matter.

For example, we all know that some people should never see your breasts. Like your plumber, or bank manager perhaps. Apart from the fact that the situation wouldn't arise, it just isn't deemed appropriate.

Isn't there an unwritten rule though that states that this no longer applies on the condition that you are abroad?

It is even okay for your plumber and bank manager to have had an eyeful, if they are holidaying in the same resort. (Provided that you aren't on a staycation...)

Or what about the rule that suggests topless sunbathing is only allowed near water?

Think about it. It is a perfectly acceptable activity to do when you are on the beach. Or by your hotel pool. Isn't it?

Getting your bits out in a city centre park is just that bit more controversial though.

It must have something to do with water somehow. Which might also explain my next query.

It is fine to do some activities topless. Playing games for example. No-one seems to mind too much, when a woman partakes in a game of semi-naked bat and ball.

As soon as that very woman decides the game is making her thirsty though, it is necessary for her to put on her bikini top before going to buy a drink.

And this seems to apply even if the pool bar is only a few metres from where she was previously jiggling around trying to bat the ball.

Hmmm. It's a minefield out there concerning breast etiquette.

Anyway the reason I've posted about this is so that I can apologise to my friend Roy. (Of course there is a reason for it. You don't think I'd just do a post about chests for no reason do you? I very much doubt I could write much about them anyway. They aren't even that interesting.)

Roy was out for a Nandos with me and my friend Kelly. My job was mentioned and the conversation moved on to how difficult it is to buy nice bras when you are larger sized in that department. Poor Roy had to sit there and endure this rather lengthy chat.

He did say that is was okay and actually said it was 'refreshing' to be out with two ladies while we all thought, and chatted, about boobs and bras.

I'm sure he was only being nice though, and it is quite probable that we put him off his lunch. Particularly as he was having chicken breast.