Friday 4 June 2010

18 Keeping Abreast

Boobs, breasts, mammaries, jugs, knockers, hooters, bazookas.

Whatever you call them. They've been on my mind a lot over the last few weeks.

I suppose it is understandable really, as I've just had a boob job.

Oh wait, that doesn't sound right does it?

My brother did warn me not to say that. I thought he just meant it was best not to say I'd been temping in a hospital breast unit. Just in case people think I don't want to work in TV anymore, and stop contacting me about jobs.

I realise what he was actually getting at now though.

It was too late anyway, cause I'd already told quite a few people about my current employment, before my bro offered his words of wisdom.

I've had a lot of interesting TV jobs. Like the one where I accompanied a group of agoraphobics to Japan. Or the one filming a board game convention in Vegas, or the hamster competition in Bolton. Or the one where I attended 999 calls with the police. Or the one with Ricky Hatton, as he prepared for his big fight. Or the extremely difficult one, that involved spending my days meeting male models.

Weirdly though, people have shown a lot more interest in my job in the breast unit, than they have in any of those ones.

Men in particular. Strange.

Fishy went so far as to say that it sounded like his dream job. I was quite surprised. He doesn't strike me as the sort whose life ambition is to be a medical secretary. I suppose you never can tell though.

It wasn't bad as temp jobs go. My role involved typing up letters about boobs and moobs.

Strictly speaking, those aren't the actual terms that are used. I'm sure it is only a matter of time till they are though, cause it is very important to keep up-to-date.

I hope when they do have a revamp of their terminology, they have a look at some of the other expressions they use at the same time. In particular the one where they say 'on examination, both breasts were unremarkable.'

I mean how rude is that?!

To me that is a 'good news, bad news' situation.

"Well madam, the good news is that you have nothing to worry about regarding lumps and bumps etc...but the bad news is that your boobs aren't even worth a mention."

I discussed this with my friend Tony. He assured me that this was factually inaccurate. He said that all breasts are worth commenting on. Regardless of size. He said there had even been surveys done on this very matter.

Actually, now that I think about it, I might have made up the survey bit. He was pretty insistent that he knew what he was talking about though. As if he had boob knowledge. Like he was some kind of an expert.

While we were on the the subject, I should have asked him a few questions that I have about boobs. In particular, the ones that I have about topless sunbathing.

I get quite confused, because it seems there are a lot of unwritten rules surrounding this matter.

For example, we all know that some people should never see your breasts. Like your plumber, or bank manager perhaps. Apart from the fact that the situation wouldn't arise, it just isn't deemed appropriate.

Isn't there an unwritten rule though that states that this no longer applies on the condition that you are abroad?

It is even okay for your plumber and bank manager to have had an eyeful, if they are holidaying in the same resort. (Provided that you aren't on a staycation...)

Or what about the rule that suggests topless sunbathing is only allowed near water?

Think about it. It is a perfectly acceptable activity to do when you are on the beach. Or by your hotel pool. Isn't it?

Getting your bits out in a city centre park is just that bit more controversial though.

It must have something to do with water somehow. Which might also explain my next query.

It is fine to do some activities topless. Playing games for example. No-one seems to mind too much, when a woman partakes in a game of semi-naked bat and ball.

As soon as that very woman decides the game is making her thirsty though, it is necessary for her to put on her bikini top before going to buy a drink.

And this seems to apply even if the pool bar is only a few metres from where she was previously jiggling around trying to bat the ball.

Hmmm. It's a minefield out there concerning breast etiquette.

Anyway the reason I've posted about this is so that I can apologise to my friend Roy. (Of course there is a reason for it. You don't think I'd just do a post about chests for no reason do you? I very much doubt I could write much about them anyway. They aren't even that interesting.)

Roy was out for a Nandos with me and my friend Kelly. My job was mentioned and the conversation moved on to how difficult it is to buy nice bras when you are larger sized in that department. Poor Roy had to sit there and endure this rather lengthy chat.

He did say that is was okay and actually said it was 'refreshing' to be out with two ladies while we all thought, and chatted, about boobs and bras.

I'm sure he was only being nice though, and it is quite probable that we put him off his lunch. Particularly as he was having chicken breast.


Lifebeginsat30ty said...

Ahaha. Oh I'm sure Roy LOVED it, but he couldn't express that in case you wouldn't invite him next time ;) and it is atrocious the choices in bras us larger chested women have! The only choices at most places is plain black and nude. Blah. Maybe they think that they are just so bountiful as they are that they do not need any adornment? ;p

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

I agree with your friend Tony, and I'm not even a boob man. I prefer thighs. Also, topless sunbathing is ALWAYS okay for girls your age (though you haven't got long left) ;-)
*Plentymorefishoutofwater - One Man's Dating Diary*

Phoenix said...

Agghhh I want to come there! Doing anything topless would be so nice. It's not even accceptable to be topless on a beach unless it's a nude beach in the states :(

jo said...

i don't care much bout topless sunbathing. i think tanlines are hot. or maybe that my boobs are unremarkable. possibly the latter haha!

Anonymous said...

Wait, you're plumber isn't supposed to see your breasts? Fuck. Why didn't you write this post sooner?

Taggart said...

When I first saw the title of this post I was sure my name would appear! I'm astounded it didn't! However it's probably because you know deep down yours are way bigger than mine!!!

Rapunzel said...

Do you really think that Roy was ok with it Life Begins? He was pretty quiet!

Thanks for the info Fishy though I didn't actually mention anything about ME and topless sunbathing! As a matter of interest, what is the age limit? (Just in case any of my friends want to know!)

I'd forgotten it was like that there Phoenix. I remember thinking the rule was sexist when I was in LA cause there were plenty of men with their 'boobs' out on muscle beach!

Is it tanlines or white bits that you are a fan of Jo?!

Haha Snaf! At least you have read it before you make the same mistake with your bank manager eh?!

Oh Taggart, that is the best joke I have heard all week! Yours are so much bigger that they would need their own blog, never mind their own post!

Thanks as always for reading and commenting. Rx

Kate said...

I'm sure Roy loved the talk of tits too Rapunzel :-)

Are you trying to tell us you've flashed your bank manager? Ker-ching for him!


Rapunzel said...

My bank account is embarrassing enough without me going one step further Kate!

Rx said...

It is rather sexist that a plumber can freely display his crack when getting under the pipes, while the woman may not flash her boobs when the guy's down there. Isn't it?
Love your boob post, Rapunzel. I hope life has only improved since your boob job.

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