Skypetease

If Fishy tells you that he went to bed with me, you'll have to take it with a big pinch of salt.

It wasn't quite like that.

He did discover the benefit of me being an older women though. Yes, I showed him things he'd never dreamed of before.

I took Fishy's Skype cherry.

I was actually surprised that he hadn't used it before. I would have thought that being able to chat over the internet for free would really have appealed to his er..frugal side.

Turns out that despite being a novice, he took to it like a fish to water. Even started going on about using webcams. I wasn't so sure.

'Go on. I want Mildred to see the girl that has been taking up all my time recently.'

'I'm not putting it on just so your cat can see me.'

I was laughing at the absurdity of this suggestion when I knock a drink onto some clothes I'd just taken out of the washing machine. Seriously, why am I so clumsy when it comes to dates with Fishy? Virtual or otherwise.

I swear and explain to him that I've just spilt on my pyjamas.

'You've got your pj's on?!'

'No I'm not wearing them.'

'You aren't wearing anything?!'

'Of course I am! Just not my pyjamas!'

'I don't believe you. I think you're naked while you are talking to me!'

'I'm certainly not.'

'Prove it. Put your webcam on.'

Oh for God sake. I switch it on to humour him and am gutted when the little box springs up showing me what he can see. I look awful. I really don't give good webcam.

'Right put yours on then,' I tell him.

'I don't have one.'

Damn. I walked straight into that one. Curse myself for being so gullible.

Decide to take the opportunity to show him my view. I mean he's not likely to get any other chance. With his fear of heights I mean.

I carry my laptop up to the window so he can see the sights of Manchester. He seems really impressed.

Fishy suggests we make dinner together. What a bad idea. He may think it's a good one, especially as this is one meal he won't have to treat me to, but he doesn't know what I'm like in the kitchen.

Plus I was planning on having beans on toast and I'll have to do something fancy now. Bloody webcam.

What seems like hours later, we are ready to eat. I'd like to tell you in more detail what happened, but to be honest I've blocked it from my mind.

I was like something from Can't Cook, Won't Cook. Think Fishy was hoping for The Naked Chef.

He might not have noticed though, because he was pretty busy making every sausage innuendo possible while preparing his bangers and mash.

I suggest we have some wine. He says he's going to open a bottle of red. Merlot seemingly. He pronounces the 't'. Claims he did so on purpose but I'm not convinced.

He starts overcompensating for the fact that he doesn't have a webcam by explaining everything he is doing in great detail.

'I'm picking up my food now. I'm walking. I'm taking you to the living room. It's like carrying you over the threshold, baby.'

Actually now that I think about it I'm not sure whether he was talking to me or his meal.

We finish dinner and get on with a few things. It's the beauty of having a date on your laptop. Am able to do some facebooking, shop on Ebay, pay a few bills etc.

It's great until Fishy tells me he's had an email from some girl.

Excuse me, who is this trying to muscle in on our date? Stop trying to cut my grass.

We have a game of Scrabble. I'd imagined that it would be good playing with someone that is so good with words, but Fishy seems to be participating in a different game from me. Adults Only Scrabble.

I suggest we watch Grey's Anatomy together. After half an hour he tells me my time is up and we've to turn over and watch Question Time.

He can't be serious? Leave McDreamy and McSteamy half-way through?

I start to debate this with him but he shushes me. I continue to watch my drama and don't think he's any the wiser. This relationship could work well.

Maybe not. Because for some bizarre reason, he decides it would a good idea to serenade me by singing and playing his guitar.

Thank God for the mute button.

I turn on the volume again ten minutes later and he's still at it.

He starts yawning loudly. I tell him he should go to bed and he seems to think that is an invitation.

I'm about to protest until I remember that he isn't actually with me. I decide it might be nice. And maybe I can persuade him to read me a bedtime story?

Get all cosied up and ready to continue our chat when the Skype line starts going crazy.

All I can hear is 'uh..uh..uh..uh.'

At least I think it is a problem with the connection....decide to end our date just in case it isn't that.

He asks me to blow him a kiss. I comply. Of course as the only thing I can see is the webcam box with my face in it, it's like I'm kissing myself.

I feel like a loser.

Click here to read about Fishy's skype date >>