36 Tales of a a Real Life Romance - Chapter 19

I felt quite nervous as I travelled on the train over to where Hands lives.

[Cue: cheering, clapping and waving of flags and banners that say things like 'Good luck Rapunzel!' and 'Hands is hot!']

Yes I'd decided to go for Option A. It was only Date 4, but it had taken months for us to get to that stage so we could hardly be accused of rushing things. Plus the Goddess had gone away to work elsewhere and I had a new flatmate who'd invited his girlfriend round that night. I wasn't keen on Option C - Being a Gooseberry, so was quite happy to make myself scarce.

It didn't take me long to decide that I'd made the right decision. If I'd played it safe and chosen the second suggestion It might have taken a few more months before I found out that...

1. Hands is very tidy

Extremely so. It was the first thing I noticed as I entered his abode. Obviously he would have cleaned before my arrival but it seemed like he'd had Monica Geller round helping. My flat has also been that clean, but that was in the first hour I moved into it, before my suitcases had haemorrhaged my possessions all over it.

(A new friend has started reading my blog and has remarked that I write about things she wouldn't even dream of admitting to her best mates. I've decided that she has a point and so will now not be revealing my innermost feelings for fear of being mocked or considered odd. So I won't be telling you that I panicked when I realised how different Hands and I were and wondered how we'd cope if we ever lived together. It would be wrong to even have had a thought like that anyway....it was only Date 4 after all...What do you take me for?...Some kind of weirdo...No, no I was enjoying taking it slow and having months between dates and hadn't even thought about our next one, never mind The Future.)

2. Hands is very handy

As he took me on a tour he pointed out all the home improvements he'd done himself, like rooms he'd decorated, things he'd made, under-floor heating he'd installed. I was impressed. Hands will make someone a lovely husband one day. Obviously I didn't think about that someone being me. (See above for proof)

3. Hands is a proper adult

He has grown-up things in his house. I asked for a coffee when I first arrived and he made me one from a coffee machine with a nice cup and saucer and a biscuit. I normally drink the builders version from one side of a Dirty Dancing mug. It has to be from one side cause the other is so chipped it is dangerous. I suppose I have a coffee machine as well. It's just that it's five minutes walk away in Starbucks.

4. Hands has other big things besides his hands

Hands has a massive one. I've never seen one as big. Except once when I stayed in a hotel. I suppose being 6 foot 5 it's only reasonable that he'd have one as long. I was still surprised though and couldn't help but turn into Little Red Riding Hood.

'My what a big bed you have!'

'All the better to sleep with you in.'

He didn't actually say that. I'd fore-warned him that wouldn't be happening and he'd already shown me the room I'd be staying in. Shame really as I could easily have shared the bed with him without us even seeing each other, it was so vast.

5. Hands is very thoughtful

He'd downloaded songs onto his iPod that he knew I'd love, even though it could have opened him up to ridicule if any of his friends had ever seen them. I'm talking cheesy eighties pop. Music he doesn't even like himself.

He also talked about how much he helps the old woman that lives next door by doing her shopping and the like, and how he'd just bought her a jar opener in case he wasn't around when she needed him. It's an amazing coincidence but I have something in common with his elderly neighbour, as I'm also the proud owner of such a utensil. My mum popped one into my stocking at Christmas after she heard I'd had to take a jar of honey down to the concierge so I could make a hot toddy. My concierge was fine about it even though that's not in his job description. He had remarked on the fact that I didn't need help opening the whisky though.

6. Hands is smooth

I knew this fact anyway but I hadn't been on the receiving end of his charm for a few weeks. It started as soon as I got in the car when he collected me from the train station and he said that when he saw me he did a little 'Yes!' out loud because I was lovelier than he'd remembered.

I melted.

Yes there was no denying that Hands knows how to flirt. How much was just patter and how much was genuine? I wasn't sure.

Out in a bar that evening, Hands returned from the toilet and asked if he could join me while my boyfriend was away. I played along with his little game and said he could but warned him that my bloke was big and might want to fight him. He reckoned that he'd already seen him and knew he could take him on in an arm-wrestle.

I really did my very best not to analyse this statement and accept it as role-playing fun. Honestly. But I just couldn't stop myself wondering whether Hands had implied that I was his girlfriend...

33 Tales of a Real Life Romance - Chapter 11

Once upon a time there lived a girl called Rapunzel. No, not the one that you are thinking of, this one is the modern day Rapunzel.

Admittedly she also lives in a Tower, the tallest residential building in the UK to be precise, overlooking the wonderful city of Manchester. Unlike old Rapunzel though, she is not trapped and can easily leave her apartment by way of the lift. She can probably even walk down the stairs if necessary. If she's insane that is.

Another difference is that the Rapunzel of today has no interest in being rescued. That's not to say that she isn't keen on meeting a prince, but she likes her life and doesn't want to be taken away from it. She just wants someone to enhance it. It isn't necessary that he owns a horse.

Modern Day Rapunzel had actually been on a couple of dates with a hotty named Hands and was wondering whether he was her prince. Her evil stepmother gorgeous flatmate, the Goddess, had been so keen for Rapunzel to find a wonderful man, that she'd introduced her to the tome otherwise known as The Rules and instructed her to follow them in order to find true love.

Rapunzel quite liked parts of The Rules, but there were some bits that she wasn't so sure about, hence the reason that she didn't follow them to a tee. One example of a time when she was undecided about what to do, is when she'd been on date two with Hands.

A wonderful date had been had and Hands had even stolen a kiss or two, or three. He'd dropped her off on his steed in his car and bade her farewell. A short whileth later, he had phoned and suggested that 'Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair.'

He didn't mean literally. It would be impossible as another difference between the old version and the new version, is that the current protagonist has short hair. And seeing as Hands has particularly large... er... hands, he'd have trouble even grabbing her locks, never mind climbing anywhere on them.

No, Hands was suggesting they continue their date and was inviting Rapunzel out to dinner.

Oh my!

Rapunzel didn't know what to do. She knew that The Rules would say no way Jose, but she'd had such a lovely day with Hands so far and was very tempted to continue it.

Oh if only she'd already told her blog readers about Hands she could have gone on her facebook or twitter page and had instant advice.

It was too late though. She was in this alone and had to be a big girl and make the decision herself.

After pondering and pondering for a couple of minutes, she made her decision.....

Which was to go and re-join the tall handsome man with the big hands. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, was going to let down her lift!

While going down in the afore-mentioned elevator, Rapunzel wondered whether she should have changed her clothes. She'd done nothing more than have a wee, brush her teeth and put on some lip-gloss as she was conscious Hands was waiting outside.

Hands kissed her hello and said he was glad that she was still in the same outfit as she looked lovely. Rapunzel wondered whether Hands had special mind-reading powers. She mumbled something about it still being the same date and he agreed and said that it was just part B of date 2. Rapunzel wondered yet again whether he was a mind reader. She also made a mental note to use the same excuse if the Goddess told her off for ignoring The Rules ('What do you mean I shouldn't have gone out again? It was the same date!)

Date 2B was lovely. Rapunzel was really glad that she'd decided to go. The whole date had been pretty amazing in actual fact (if you are my real friends you will just forget about the whole ill, moany bit...!) There was nowhere she would rather have been and no-one she would rather have been with.

Rapunzel was starting to fall for Hands. What did he think of her though? She didn't know. As he dropped her off at her Tower she wondered whether he'd ask to see her again.

What he actually said took her by surprise...

'What do you think about taking our relationship to the next stage?'

29 Tales of a Real Life Romance - Chapter 8

Oprah: Thanks for joining us today Rapunzel and for coming to share your story about how your life has changed...

Rapunzel: That's right Oprah. I used to be just your normal, average, typical girl...a bit like yourself...and then one day something happened that made me the dating expert that I'm known as today.

Oprah: That's incredible! Please tell us what happened...

Rapunzel: Well, I was plodding along, going on various dates, as you do. Some were good and some weren't. Then one day I was introduced to The Rules...

Oprah: Ah. You followed them and that's what made you an expert?

Rapunzel: Actually no. Admittedly some of The Rules are great. Like the one that says that prior to going on a date girls should stand in front of the mirror and tell ourselves that we are enough. In fact try it now Oprah...

Oprah: I am enough!

Rapunzel: I bet you feel great after doing that don't you?

Oprah: I do! I actually feel like I am enough. How amazing!

Rapunzel: There's another fabulous rule about combing your hair off your face in a slow, sweeping motion. If you manage to pull that rule off you end up with your date eating out of your hand. Some of The Rules aren't so good though...

Oprah: Like what?

Rapunzel: Well there is one that advises you not to wear clogs. And do you know why I know that isn't a good rule?

Oprah: Why?

Rapunzel: Because one of the regular commenters on my blog, Glen advised me that it wasn't. He seemingly has a real penchant for clogs and didn't enjoy his trip to the red light district in Amsterdam because of the lack of wooden shoe wearing ladies. It was just an innocent comment Oprah but it made me think...

Oprah: About clogs?

Rapunzel: No about the fact that my readers are all so wise and knowledgeable. They are also all from different countries, different backgrounds and are of different ages. I realised that by asking for their opinions on a romance I was having, I could combine all their thoughts and thus become an expert on matters of the heart. I'm a bit like a walking dating encyclopedia!

Oprah: That's wonderful Rapunzel! So you now know everything that there is to know about dating. Can you give us any tips?

Rapunzel: Of course! Firstly you must forget the idea that you shouldn't lie to a potential partner. That's a myth. At least it is when it comes to talking about your job. Me and my network of experts actually encourage that you do stretch the truth. You are an accountant? Say you are an Eskimo relocation officer. A nurse? No you are a cheese holer or a dolphin trainer. Let your imagination run riot.

Oprah: That sounds great! Anything else?

Rapunzel: Yes. You know when a guy doesn't kiss you at the end of a first date and you wonder why? I can tell you why. It could be because he has a rule not to kiss on the first date. He may not like you. He may like you too much. He may be gay. He may be shy. He may have bad-manners. He may have a mum or wife that has told them they have to be home by 11, and they have run out of time.

Oprah: Gosh! Yes, you are right. Thanks for clearing that up. I'm sure that has been helpful for many viewers. Anything else that you can help with? Like what do you recommend to do if a guy asks you out, you stress to him that you are really busy but give him a couple of days as options. He opts for one but says that he will confirm in 'bags of time' and then tells you days later that it is going to have to be the following evening because you are having to fit around Boys' Night?

Rapunzel: I'm glad you asked that Oprah because it is a common dilemma. What I advise is that you don't text anything in reply that night, because you are far too busy having a lovely time drinking cocktails with your friend the Goddess, but that the next morning you send the following....

Hey sorry I wasn't able to reply last night. Would have been good to see you before I go, was looking forward to it but I've made plans now. Next time you'll have to book ahead to avoid disappointment..! x

Oprah: I hear ya sister! I look forward to having you on the show again soon with more wonderful advice from you and your readers.

----------------


Ok, ok you might not all have agreed that was the best thing to reply to Hands. Some of you didn't think there was an issue in the first place. I was really annoyed with him though. And despite the fact that it was my only chance to see him before working away, and knowing that it was unlikely that I'd see him when I got back, I replied to him as detailed above.

And that was that.

The End.


Except it wasn't! The next day I received the following...

Bit random but wondered if you fancied an Alton Towers trip when you get back? Let me know if you do and I'll take a day off work (just don't ever tell the boys I've done that!) x

Talk about turning a corner! I reckon we'd come round the bend so fast we'd left skid marks!

Of course I was well up for this, so six weeks after our first date, Hands and I had date number two at a theme park...

38 Tales of a Real Life Romance - Chapter 7

Things weren't going well...

Firstly, I'd taken my shoes to the cobblers to see if they could be fixed.

They couldn't. The guy serving me even remarked that they must have had a lot of weight on them for the heel to have broken so badly.

While I stood looking like a shame-faced fairy elephant, Taggart told him that just half an hour before I'd managed to get myself into a teeny weeny size 8 dress so couldn't be that heavy.

It wasn't her best argument. Particularly as we'd both just been falling about the changing-rooms laughing at the fact I'd got in to the minute frock. We'd even said it must have the wrong label on it because I haven't been a size 8 since I was aged about 8. I appreciated her trying to stick up for me though.

Secondly, I hadn't heard anything from Hands.

Yes, there had been that text thanking me for a nice evening, to which I'd sent a similar reply, but nothing since. It was now three days later and his last text to me was starting to look more and more like a goodbye message.

Just in case it wasn't though (he didn't exactly have the best reputation for being a prompt texter), I spoke to the Goddess about making my next move.

'Well The Rules would say do nothing and to wait for him to get in touch.'

'Yeah I know that, but what would they say about the fact that I'm about to go and work abroad for a few weeks, and if we don't go out now it's unlikely that we'll go out again?'

I felt that as we'd only had one date, it was unlikely that we'd keep in touch with each other while I was away, and even more unlikely we'd arrange a second date when I got back, so many weeks after the first.

The Goddess agreed that in this situation it was acceptable to modify The Rules. She gave me permission to text Hands but insisted that I wasn't to ask him any questions, so at least if he replied we knew that it was because he wanted to and he wasn't just being polite.

I thought that was a good plan and sent him a message telling him what a fabulous weekend I'd had. I realised that I was running the risk of him thinking I was bad-mannered for not asking about his last few days, and that I believed everything was all about ME! ME! ME!, but it had to be done.

Seems he thought nothing of the sort because seven minutes later I received a reply. Yes, a mere seven minutes later! And it said...

Glad you had a good time! Do you fancy meeting up for Round 2 or was once enough? x

My, how things had changed! Not only had he replied quickly but he'd got straight to the point! It was like a little dating miracle. And one point for me, in the 'Rapunzel against The Rules' fight.

I replied that would be lovely and asked when he was thinking. I explained that I had a lot to schedule in over the next few days, but that it would be good to see him before I went away to work.

He replied saying that he was flexible and could fit in with me.

I replied that at this stage I could do any day except for Wednesday.

Then there was silence.

Aaargh! Normally I could have held out, but I only had a seven day window to fit everything in before heading off to sunnier climes, so the following day after I'd still had no reply from him, I sent another text...

Tuesday, Thursday or Friday? Take your pick! x

He replied that we'd go for the 'Thursday or the Friday, probably the Friday' but that he'd let me know in 'bags of time'.

Now I'm interested to know how you would define 'bags of time'? Bearing in mind that this text was sent on the Monday lunchtime? Personally I'd say that hearing from him on the Tuesday would have been acceptable, but Hands and I clearly read different dictionaries as indicated by his text to me on the Wednesday night...

Hey lets go for tomorrow if that's ok? The boys night is looking like Friday now x

What?! Did I read that right?! After me stressing to him that I had loads to do and him saying he could be flexible, and then suddenly not being very flexible but promising that he'd tell me in 'bags of time', he thought it was ok to arrange the date the night before the date.

Not only that, but I was fitting around boy's night! Don't get me wrong, I'm all for boys' night and I actually don't think that a girl you have been on one date with should come first. But he certainly shouldn't have told me that I was being shunned for bloody boys' night!!!

The Goddess was just as aghast. 'I think you should tell him that it's time for him to put some of that hand modelling experience to good use, and to wave goodbye to Rapunzel!'

Oh how we laughed and we laughed, and then we went out for cocktails and forgot all about it.

Until another text came through a few hours later that is...

No comment from the social butterfly? I'll call you tomorrow daytime to make a plan if we are still on? Food or drinks or both? x

And what do you think I replied....?

58 Tales of a Real Life Romance - Chapter 6

If the writers of The Rules had seen me on my date with Hands, they would have been appalled at how woefully unprepared I was.

There were certain things that I was supposed to do prior to the event, like 'have a bubble bath,' read The Rules and 'nourish' my soul with 'positive slogans like, "I'm a beautiful woman. I am enough."'

As I wasn't even sure I was meeting Hands until the last minute, I'd done none of the above. I suppose I could have tried to redeem things by sticking to The Rules for the actual date.

I could have made no attempt to get my purse out and let him pay for everything (and continue like that for another two dates!). I could have made sure that I 'sip-never-slurp' my drink. I wouldn't have told any 'sarcastic jokes.' I would never have started conversations and only talked about what he wanted to talk about. I would have made sure that my 'gestures were soft and feminine' and I would definitely have followed the most important rule - 'when your hair falls in front of your face, you tilt your head back and comb back your hair with your hand from the top of your head in a slow, sweeping motion.' (I bet that a few of you are trying this one! I did after I typed it. If only to try and work out what on earth they are going on about!)

Yes, these are the real rules from The Rules, and I should have been following them if I wanted things to go well with Hands, but unfortunately (fortunately?) I just couldn't remember them so I decided to do something controversial and just be myself.

And whaddya know? Hands seemed to like the real Rapunzel!

We had a great time. We went to a bar near mine, Dukes 92 (for those who know Manchester and would like to properly picture the scene). Chat came easily and we found out lots about each other. I discovered he was...

35 - a year older than me. Tick!

Had a good job that he loved, where he managed loads of people. Tick! (Though was slightly concerned that he might be more of an adult than I am...)

Had never wed or bred. Tick! Tick!

Gets on well with his family, including his twin sister. Tick! (Surely a guy with a female twin must have some understanding of women?)

Owns his own home. (Obviously this is a plus point but it's not on my must-have list. I'd have a cheek if it was, seeing as I rent my city pad.)

Loves travelling. Tick!

Funny. Big, massive, humongous tick!

I was really struggling not to enjoy the night despite that being what the Goddess and I had intended.

When Hands went to the toilet I sent her a text.

He is lovely!x

She replied immediately...

Ohhhh I'm so pleased!! Enjoy it! You deserve it! x

No mention of the fact we'd decided I was to have a crap time by way of punishment for his bad organisational skills. I silently thanked the Universe for bringing me such a good friend, and continued having a lovely evening with the Goddess's blessing.

A while later and Hands said he'd better think about going. Damn! I was meant to end the date. According to The Rules, I was supposed to glance at my watch 'after two hours and say "Gee, this was really great, but I've got a really big day tomorrow."'

Ah well. I'd broken most of their rules anyway so I decided that I was going to break another one. Yep, I was going to have a snog with him. (You must never, never, never kiss him on the first date.) I texted the Goddess and told her.

I want to kiss him! Think I will!x

She replied.... Ooh la la!x...which clearly meant she also thought it was a good idea.

I don't know whether it was the excitement about the passionate embrace that I was about to have, but as Hands walked me back to the Tower I felt like I couldn't walk properly. I was a bit lop-sided. I couldn't work it out. And obviously I couldn't discuss it with him. You just don't do you?

I remember a time when on another date I was having a drink, missed my mouth, and ended up with diet coke all over my white top. I didn't mention it to that guy either and instead kept my jacket on for the remainder of the date. Like someone that had just been let out for the day. (Does this explain a few things Kevin?!)

We arrived at the entrance to the Tower. I was feeling very flustered about my dodgy gait and praying that Hands hadn't noticed that I was walking as if I'd had a stroke. I was also gearing up for the kiss and the awkward moment about whether you will or not that always accompanies the end of a first date.

Except turns out that it wasn't awkward at all.

No. Hands just said, 'Right I'll be off then. See ya,' kissed me on the cheek and disappeared so quickly I doubted that he'd ever even been there.

Oh right then.

I entered the Tower lobby and checked my shoes to see if they'd caused me to walk funny. One of my heels had broken. Great.

Concierges asked me how the date had gone and said that they'd seen us on the security cameras. This was like when I was 14 and my dad came out to the garden to put something in the bin and caught me winching Billy Bolton at the front gate. Except that then there was actually something to see.

I said that to them and explained that I thought things had gone really well but the way he'd dashed off suggested he wasn't that keen.

As I got into bed a short while later my phone beeped...

Hey...thanks for a really nice night...x

Mmmm. I was really confused now....

22 Tales of a Real Life Romance - Chapter 5

Date day dawned and I don't mind admitting to you that I was really excited.

I love that feeling when you don't know what is going to happen. Yes, it could just end up being a crap date (of which I've had a few and have written about on here. The soiree at the Trafford Centre being a prime example...) but it could also be amazing and potentially life-changing. Deep, I know, but if he was 'the one' it would alter things. I just think it's a shame that you can't bottle the feelings you have at the beginning, and can get them out at a later stage in your relationship, when the things you used to find endearing about your partner now get on your tits.

Hands and I still hadn't actually spoken. I'd stuck to my guns and hadn't called him back. Ok, ok, I'd actually stuck to the Goddess's guns and not called him back. It seemed to work quite well though, so does it matter whose guns they were?

He'd sent a text a few hours after he'd first called me, to say that he couldn't speak now as he was going round to his friend's house (are you sure Hands? You're off to see a mate at half 10 on a school night? I doubt it...) but if I was still ok for going out the following day, he'd come to me for about 8, but would call me first to properly arrange it.

As you know, I'm not one for analysing, but, if you forced me to, I'd say that Hands had expected me to call him back and it had confused him that I hadn't. But then what do I know? This is men we are talking about. Even the males that comment on my blog can't seem to agree on the typical behaviour of the species.

Anyway I digress. It was the evening we were going out, and I got out of the shower to find a missed call from Hands. This time there was a voicemail saying that he was uncertain what to do as he hadn't spoken to me. Were we still meeting? And if so where?

I decided that even The Rules would allow me to return this call. I rang back. After a bit of chit-chat he told me that he'd be driving and asked whether he should pick me up, or should he meet me somewhere.

'Well where is it that we are going?' I asked.

'Dunno. I hadn't thought about it. Where do you fancy going?'

Sharp intake of breath from me.

We ended the conversation agreeing that he'd meet me outside my building, and then we'd decide what to do. Was I happy that the wheels were finally in motion? Nope, I was actually gutted. I went to check with the Goddess that it was reasonable to feel like that though, and that I wasn't being high-maintenance.

'So let me get this right? Not only is he driving on your date...though I suppose we can allow that as he doesn't live in Manchester...but he hasn't even planned where you are going? That is terrible!' she said.

The Goddess had concurred. I was right to be upset. Hands had committed a big no-no. A no, no, no, no, no, in fact. If you ask a girl on a date, you should at least make sure there is a 'date' for her to go on. 'Date' is the operative word here. (Single men - Please try and learn from Hands's mistake and not make the same one!)

'You know I'm not sure I want to let you go and meet him now,' the Goddess continued. 'He clearly doesn't realise that you are a 'creature unlike any other' and that he's lucky to have an evening of your time. To be honest, he doesn't sound good enough for my girl.'

'I'm not sure I want to go,' I agreed. 'I was really looking forward to it, but now I just feel disappointed.'

What I was quite enjoying, was the bonding that the Goddess and I were doing. We'd only lived together for a few weeks, but we were fast becoming like Cagney and Lacey. And Thelma and Louise. Or Ant and Dec.

What should I do? In the end we decided that as I didn't have to exactly go far (only down the lift in the first instance) that I should still go, but, importantly, under no circumstances, was I to enjoy myself.

We congratulated ourselves on this fool-proof plan.

A short while later as I left the Tower, my concierges asked where I was going. Now I must stress that it is not a rule of residing in the building that you must check with the concierges whether you are allowed to leave it, and what time your curfew is. Nor do you need to give a password. There are no 'Open Sesame!' moments.

No, I'm just very chatty with them and they pretty much know everything that is happening in my life. Perhaps a bit too much. Like they could probably even tell you when I've got my period by the times I'm stroppier than others. (That's actually not true. I'm a ray of sunshine all the time. They'd never work it out.)

Anyway, I replied that I was going on a date (my tone of voice suggesting that I was actually going for a bikini wax) and that I'd tell them about it later.

I got to the door and there was Hands waiting for me. 'Hey you,' he said smiling with his perfect white teeth and kissed me on the cheek.

Damn. He was looking fine. This was going to be harder than I thought...


-------------


And if you want to know how it went, check back here tomorrow where I'll reveal all...

And men...you are welcome for the advice in this post. Don't mention it.

27 Tales of a Real Life Romance - Chapter 4

It was the Wednesday night, and I was sitting with the Goddess watching TV when my phone rang.

'It's Hands! It's Hands!' I screeched calmly. 'I'll go and take this in my room!'

I'd just got to the living-room door when my mobile stopped ringing. The Goddess and I both collapsed into fits of giggles.

'You do realise that you can't call him back?' the Goddess informed me.

'Awww why not?' I whined. Knowing full well why not.

'It's one of the rules. You've not to call guys, and you've not to return calls'

The bloody Rules!

The Goddess had been so keen for my 'relationship' with Hands (never before has a word needed inverted commas so much...) to get off the ground, that she'd rushed out to the Waterstones, to buy me The Rules at the first opportunity.

I didn't have the heart to tell her that I wasn't keen on them.

Don't get me wrong, I was loving them at first. In fact I'd got stuck in straight away as soon as she handed me the little bag.

Just two pages in, I was convinced it was the book for me, after reading that The Rules were basically 'just a simple working set of behaviours and reactions that, when followed, invariably serve to make most women irresistible to desirable men.'

Woo hoo! Lock up your sons!

The second chapter stated that if you follow The Rules, 'he will not just marry you, but feel crazy about you, forever!'

Now, I wasn't 100% sure that I wanted Hands to take me up the aisle - there was that small matter that I'd only spent half an hour total in his company. But hey, it's good to be prepared right? Just in case I did get the urge to don a big meringue with him. Plus, it's always nice when a guy wants to marry you, even if you don't feel the same.

It continued by adding that you also need not worry about him chasing other women, 'even your very attractive neighbour, because when you do The Rules, he somehow thinks you're the sexiest woman alive!'

Now this would be a relief, cause as I live in a Tower with over 200 apartments, I have a lot of neighbours...

Chapter 4 focused on how to look to attract men. It gave some extremely useful tips, including the gem that it's important not to be a fashion slave, and spend a month's salary on 'bell bottoms and clogs.'

Jeez, if I'd counted the amount of times that I'd nipped out for a pint of milk and ended up returning home with some of Primarni's finest flarey trews and some wooden shoes to wear with them... Phew! Thanks The Rules. I won't be doing that again.

So are we agreed that it was all good so far? Yep? Don't get too excited though because it was on page 21 that things went horribly wrong...

It was on that very page that it said that you should not, I repeat not, under any circumstances, have short hair. Short hair is evil.

That's me fecked.

I know I call myself Rapunzel, but I'm being ironic (I think?) because I'm actually the modern day version with a short 'do.' You see I may quite fancy the idea of having a prince, but I don't need to be rescued. I'm quite happy thanks. So I don't need long hair to trail out of my Tower air vents. It would just be surplus to requirements, and would probably just get in the way and end up getting trapped in the lift doors etc.

Ok, admittedly The Rules didn't say those exact words, but it does instruct you to grow your hair as it says that men prefer it and adds that the 'point is we're girls! We don't want to look like boys.'

Perhaps men do have a penchant for longer tresses, but I don't agree that having short hair automatically means you look male. Fair enough, when I was 10 years old, and it was fashionable to get your hair spiked, it was difficult to know what sex I was, but there's been no confusion since. Certainly not since I grew myself a pair of double D's anyway.

I look nada like a boy and was not about to grow my hair cause some book tells me to. I put The Rules down in a strop (see I am all girl?!) and decided I wouldn't be friends with them for a wee while.

So, I wasn't about to take their advice about not returning calls, as gospel. Plus wasn't it bad-manners not to call people back? I said this to the Goddess.

'No, it's not rude, it's The Rules. Of course it's up to you what you do, but I think you should keep on him on his toes....and perhaps lengthen the time your phone rings before it goes to answering machine!'

Hmmm. I pretended to agree with her, but inside I decided that I'd ignore that rule. I'd listen to the message Hands had left and then I'd call him back. In my room. Quietly.

I dialled the number to retrieve my voicemails.

Oh...

Turns out I had 'no new messages.'

Hands hadn't left me a voicemail. I'm convinced the automated woman even said it with a smirk in her voice.

Great. I'd agreed to follow some stupid rules that stopped me calling men. It seemed Hands wasn't bothered about chatting to me anyway. And I had a 'no-go' short barnet.

Things weren't looking good.

35 Tales of a Real Life Romance - Chapter 3

If there was a competition for texting, I would definitely have entered my reply to Hands, so smug was I with it.

I felt that it had a bit of everything in it. It made it clear that I liked him. It was a bit cheeky. By saying 'this week' it was giving a time-frame for the date. And most importantly, it was putting the ball back in to his court.

Good work for under 140 characters.

I'd sent it on its way feeling sure that Hands would appreciate its cleverness.

He didn't. Either that or he was just jealous...

Hands had asked for my number on a Friday night. His first text to me asking me out came about 24 hours later on the Saturday night. My carefully crafted reply to him agreeing we should, was sent a couple of hours later on the same night.

His next text to me wasn't until the Sunday at 16:41. Yes, I repeat, Sunday at 16:41. Nineteen hours since I'd replied to him and two days since we'd met. Was this the slowest text conversation in history? It wasn't even that good a reply...

That's excellent news, make sure you let me know what night so I can ask you how it went with him x

Oh alright it wasn't that bad. He seemed happy that I'd agreed, was playing along with me which I liked, and it looked like the date was definitely going to be on.

What I wasn't happy with though, was that the ball was back in my court. I didn't want the ball. I wanted the man to be the man and for him to decide the day.

I spent the next three and a bit hours moaning to my flatmate and yearning for the olden days, when people would actually call to make arrangements and a date could be made in a few minutes.

The times of yore when if a guy asked for your number it meant he really liked you, cause he had to be brave enough to call the landline and possibly have your mum, or worse, your dad answer first. (I can't help it if my good old days were when I was 14!)

I then sent my reply...

I'm pretty flexible so I'm going to let him decide when is best for him!x

Ha! That'd teach him! Here, have the ball back over in your garden.

Hands obviously likes ball games because he kept that damn ball for ages. God knows what he was doing with it? Practising his dribbling skills? Doing keepie-uppies? I've no idea. Whatever it was it kept him busy for 27 hours, busy until 22:21 on Monday to be precise...

I've had a word and he's up for Thursday if you are? He said he'd call you on Wednesday to make a plan x Oh and he said to say night x

Finally! I was still a bit miffed at how long the whole thing had taken though and I wasn't sure what to do next. I said the same to my flatmate.

She told me that I had to hold off replying and had to wait as long, and in fact longer, than it took him to message me before I sent my next to him.

I should explain that I call my flatmate the Goddess because there are times that I've been out with her and I've tripped over all the tongues that are out as she walks past guys. She's the kind of girl that you would hate if she wasn't such a goddam lovely person. Bitch!

Fact is though, men adore her, so naturally I was going to take any advice regarding the male species that she could give me. I was still curious to know why though...

"It's what The Rules tell you to do."

"What rules?" I asked

"The Rules. It's a book written by a couple of women that tells you how to get your man as long as you follow the rules that they set out. "

I was liking the sound of this.

The Goddess went on to explain a bit more to me. She said that she'd order me a copy (see I told you she is lovely?!) and in the meantime we'd follow them as much as we could according to what she remembered from reading them. My first initiation into The Rules was to hold off replying.

"He needs to realise that you are a 'creature unlike any other' and that you are not waiting around for him."

So on the Tuesday at 22:22 I sent a message...

Aren't you good organising my date? I'm sure that Hands appreciates it what with him being so busy in the hand modelling world. Can you please tell him that Thursday is good for me too and I look forward to hearing from him tomorrow x

I was pretty excited - Team Rapunzel had the Goddess as a cheerleader, I had a rule book instructing me what to do and I was a 'creature unlike any other.' This was not going to fail...


------------------------


Now it's over to you...It's too late for you to help me now as this has already happened but I'd love to know what you think. Did the delay in replies suggest that Hands was playing it cool or wasn't actually very interested? Or was I just doing that girl thing or analysing everything to death and it meant nothing?

Also what do you think about me playing him at his own game? Would it work? Would he notice? Would he care?

Leave your comments here or on facebook and lets all try and learn something about the opposite sex.

And next week I'll tell you what did or didn't happen...

32 The One Where All This Happened...

If my life in 2010 was a sitcom, the episode guide would look something a bit like this...

Ep 1: The one with the date with a blogger.

Rapunzel makes the brave (foolhardy?) decision to go on a date with the infamous Fishy. For some unknown reason she suggests they fly to another country for the day. The nation waits with baited breath to read Rapunzel and Fishy's versions of how they got along...


Ep 2: The one with the Blogger's Night Out.

Rapunzel goes on another blind date with bloggers. This time with four other girls. Despite what you may imagine, a typical BNO does not involve everyone taking out their laptops. Instead, the girls go for dinner and cocktails and much fun is had by all. Normally what happens on a night out, stays on a night out, but the usual rules do not apply when going out with bloggers who write about everything. Rapunzel forgets about this fact amongst all the merriment and ends up doing something silly...


Ep 3: The one where Rapunzel's blog is on a shortlist.

Fellow blogger Tuppence nominates Rapunzel as one of Manchester's best personal bloggers. Rapunzel is delighted, especially when she is shortlisted in the top 5. She doesn't win but doesn't mind cause everyone knows that it is the taking part that counts. Plus she hadn't been blogging very much...


Ep 4: The one where Rapunzel stops blogging.

We see Rapunzel doing her favourite job - filming hotels for the internet - in seven different countries, including Benidorm, Gran Canaria and Tenerife. She has many tales to tell but is so busy styling bathrooms (spare toilet rolls just look so tacky), chatting to managers and persuading tourists to be filmed in their beachwear, that she doesn't get the chance to recount these stories. And any spare time that she does get, is spent on the beach rather than in internet cafes writing posts.


Ep 5: The one where Rapunzel gets older.

Rapunzel celebrates turning 34. She is working in Portugal which coincidentally is also what she was doing on her 19th birthday. See a flashback as she compares her current situation to the way things were back then...

Work
1995 - waitressing in an Indian restaurant.
2010 - assistant producer doing a job she loves. (winner!)

Home
1995 - paid an equivalent of £5 a night to stay in an apartment that rarely even had running water.
2010 - paying a lot more than £5 a night to stay in an apartment with floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking Manchester's city centre in the UK's tallest residential building. (winner and not just because of the constant water!)

Love
1995 - in the second year of a relationship with her first love who is at home waiting for his free-spirited girlfriend's return from working abroad for 3 months.
2010 - single and has been for donkeys. (hmmmm!)

In the end Rapunzel decides that is there no point comparing, and that at 34 she is actually the equivalent of two 17 year olds and what could be better than that?!


Ep 6: The one with the purple balloons.

Rapunzel once told Taggart that she'd love to come home to a room filled with balloons. Taggart remembered this and arranges for Rapunzel's new flatmate (The Goddess) to fill Rapunzel's bedroom with purple balloons as well as putting up birthday banners to surprise her when she gets back from Portugal. Just a perfect example of...


Ep 7: The one with the amazing friends.

Rapunzel has some tough times throughout the year but is supported by her fabulous friends. The afore-mentioned Taggart and The Goddess are towers of strength as is her friend England, Scarlet and not forgetting Lego who sends her a care package consisting of things like magazines and face masks as a pick-me-up at a particularly crap time. If good friends were money, Rapunzel would be rich.


Ep 8: The one where Rapunzel is a lesbian.

Or at least she is asked if she is. By her mum. In a text.


Ep 9: The one where Rapunzel goes to bootcamp.

Rapunzel finishes her abroad jobs and decides to start blogging again. She then gets a job filming on an army base where she spends the week staying in the Officer's Mess. 'Officer's Mess?' her friend says, 'That's even better than the Sergeant's Mess. How posh!'

And yes, it is posh if you class posh as somewhere with a single bed, no TV, no internet (bang goes the plans to return to blogging) and shared showers.

In this episode see Rapunzel wake up to the sound of 'Left, right, left right' outside her window. See her argue with one of the Majors for nicking her space in the shower queue. See her complain that 'It's just not right seeing your boss in your pyjamas!' after she sees her boss in his pyjamas. Then see when the fire alarm goes off at 3am and all the crew and Officers traipse outside to the cold and everyone sees each other in their nightwear!


Ep 10: The one with the embarrassing moment.

Flashback to Rapunzel's first day at bootcamp. She has started a week later than the rest of the team and is keen to make a good impression. They finish filming one of the soldiers and Rapunzel goes towards him to take off his radio mic. For some reason the soldier gets confused and seeems to think that Rapunzel is going to kiss him. She realises this, gets flustered and almost draws on his face with the pen she is brandishing. She lets him kiss her though so he's not embarrassed. He realises his mistake though when she reaches for his mic and of course gets embarrassed. Rapunzel does her best to act like it is normal to kiss people when you de-mic them to make him feel better. She prays no-one has noticed.

Seems her boss did. He pulls her aside after and asks 'What the hell was all that about?!' From then on jokes are made when Rapunzel is around soldiers, warning her to refrain from kissing them.


Ep 11: The one where Rapunzel sleepwalks.

Rapunzel gets up from her bed in the Officer's Mess and rushes to queue for the shower with her towel and shampoo. The shower is empty which is weird. She then discovers that it is only 1am and has only been in bed a couple of hours and is actually sleepwalking.

On hearing the story, Jeremy Kyle, the presenter of the programme Rapunzel is working on, informs her that isn't normal behaviour (some could argue that neither was the incident in episode 10). As someone that is known for having unusual people on his chat show, Rapunzel takes on board his thoughts and googles 'sleepwalking'.

It turns out that it isn't usual to have conversations in the middle of the night with people that aren't there. Nor is it normal when staying at your parents home to go into their room and ask your mum who the bugger is that she is in bed with (especially when you should really be able to recognise your own dad...) and then switch their light on and off repeatedly. Seems Jeremy had a point. Rapunzel just isn't quite sure what to do about finding a cure. She has other things distracting her anyway...


Ep 12: The one where Rapunzel meets a boy...

Rapunzel meets a boy. A boy she really likes...

Tune in this Friday for the first episode of the new 2011 series to find out what happens...