Wednesday 2 February 2011

28 Tales of a Real Life Romance - Chapter 8

Oprah: Thanks for joining us today Rapunzel and for coming to share your story about how your life has changed...

Rapunzel: That's right Oprah. I used to be just your normal, average, typical girl...a bit like yourself...and then one day something happened that made me the dating expert that I'm known as today.

Oprah: That's incredible! Please tell us what happened...

Rapunzel: Well, I was plodding along, going on various dates, as you do. Some were good and some weren't. Then one day I was introduced to The Rules...

Oprah: Ah. You followed them and that's what made you an expert?

Rapunzel: Actually no. Admittedly some of The Rules are great. Like the one that says that prior to going on a date girls should stand in front of the mirror and tell ourselves that we are enough. In fact try it now Oprah...

Oprah: I am enough!

Rapunzel: I bet you feel great after doing that don't you?

Oprah: I do! I actually feel like I am enough. How amazing!

Rapunzel: There's another fabulous rule about combing your hair off your face in a slow, sweeping motion. If you manage to pull that rule off you end up with your date eating out of your hand. Some of The Rules aren't so good though...

Oprah: Like what?

Rapunzel: Well there is one that advises you not to wear clogs. And do you know why I know that isn't a good rule?

Oprah: Why?

Rapunzel: Because one of the regular commenters on my blog, Glen advised me that it wasn't. He seemingly has a real penchant for clogs and didn't enjoy his trip to the red light district in Amsterdam because of the lack of wooden shoe wearing ladies. It was just an innocent comment Oprah but it made me think...

Oprah: About clogs?

Rapunzel: No about the fact that my readers are all so wise and knowledgeable. They are also all from different countries, different backgrounds and are of different ages. I realised that by asking for their opinions on a romance I was having, I could combine all their thoughts and thus become an expert on matters of the heart. I'm a bit like a walking dating encyclopedia!

Oprah: That's wonderful Rapunzel! So you now know everything that there is to know about dating. Can you give us any tips?

Rapunzel: Of course! Firstly you must forget the idea that you shouldn't lie to a potential partner. That's a myth. At least it is when it comes to talking about your job. Me and my network of experts actually encourage that you do stretch the truth. You are an accountant? Say you are an Eskimo relocation officer. A nurse? No you are a cheese holer or a dolphin trainer. Let your imagination run riot.

Oprah: That sounds great! Anything else?

Rapunzel: Yes. You know when a guy doesn't kiss you at the end of a first date and you wonder why? I can tell you why. It could be because he has a rule not to kiss on the first date. He may not like you. He may like you too much. He may be gay. He may be shy. He may have bad-manners. He may have a mum or wife that has told them they have to be home by 11, and they have run out of time.

Oprah: Gosh! Yes, you are right. Thanks for clearing that up. I'm sure that has been helpful for many viewers. Anything else that you can help with? Like what do you recommend to do if a guy asks you out, you stress to him that you are really busy but give him a couple of days as options. He opts for one but says that he will confirm in 'bags of time' and then tells you days later that it is going to have to be the following evening because you are having to fit around Boys' Night?

Rapunzel: I'm glad you asked that Oprah because it is a common dilemma. What I advise is that you don't text anything in reply that night, because you are far too busy having a lovely time drinking cocktails with your friend the Goddess, but that the next morning you send the following....

Hey sorry I wasn't able to reply last night. Would have been good to see you before I go, was looking forward to it but I've made plans now. Next time you'll have to book ahead to avoid disappointment..! x

Oprah: I hear ya sister! I look forward to having you on the show again soon with more wonderful advice from you and your readers.


Ok, ok you might not all have agreed that was the best thing to reply to Hands. Some of you didn't think there was an issue in the first place. I was really annoyed with him though. And despite the fact that it was my only chance to see him before working away, and knowing that it was unlikely that I'd see him when I got back, I replied to him as detailed above.

And that was that.

The End.

Except it wasn't! The next day I received the following...

Bit random but wondered if you fancied an Alton Towers trip when you get back? Let me know if you do and I'll take a day off work (just don't ever tell the boys I've done that!) x

Talk about turning a corner! I reckon we'd come round the bend so fast we'd left skid marks!

Of course I was well up for this, so six weeks after our first date, Hands and I had date number two at a theme park...


Love Cat said...

I have actually just shouted the words NO WAY at my Screen.

NO WAY! I love it! Mon the punzel! Just goes to show you that sometimes a little hard to get is exactly what they need.

Right I'm off to do some 'enough' mirror chanting.


whydidn'tshefancyme said...

Superb post Rapunzel, loved the who Oprah bit & then when we all weren't expecting it you throw in the fact you were going on a date with Hands!!!

Details very soon please...

Glen said...

It appears you had him at "next time you'll have to book ahead" Miss Maguire... Nice work.

Oh and Clogs? Sadly an all too long forgotten delicacy these days, it's all stilettos and landing strips - just not the same.

What women need to think is how good they would be for toning the thighs.. Imagine keeping them on during -* thingy *- lifting those heavy shoes in the air for 2 and a half minutes would surely do wonders as a leg workout?

I'm just trying to help.

nuttycow said...

So this is where I'm going wrong. My slavish "I'm at your disposal" texts are getting me nowhere! (Or, it could be the "I reaslly lub youio" texts at 3 in the morning that could be the issue)

You are now a dating godess and we shall all bow down to you.


Betty B said...

High 5 to this! Love. It. That is all
Betty B

Hyla said...

So what number of weeks are we in? Do we have to wait 6 weeks from now? Cause that is just killer...
Any juicy text messaging/face chats going on?

Reckon this could be the one? What guy waits 6 weeks, unless he is really into you!?

Unknown said...

Best post yet!

Though the theme park idea reminds me of a dude I know whose dating technique was based on horror films (ideally on a DVD and watched form his sofa): his date would surely jump into his arms for protection at the scariest moments. Do they have scary rides at Alton Towers?

Kev D. said...

I was so surprised that I left skid marks, in my underpants.

I also agree that Glen is wise.

I can't wait to hear about him winning you the biggest goddamn teddy bear in the universe.

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

And he pulls himself out of the pit by the skin of his teeth! I am in awe of your balls in sticking up for yourself and your time. I shall have to remember this ;) And points to him also for the creative date idea AND taking a day of work!

Alyson said...

The Oprah bit was very funny, well done.

And now...more suspense!

ladyofthemanor said...

Loved the OPRAH side to this......GREAT!!!

Jonathan Veal said...

I still think that Hands has the well, upper-hand in proceedings and I endorse how he has re-written the rule book re texting and getting in touch.

Hands is my hero.

Dater at Large said...

Good for you. There's definitely something to be said for a woman who knows the value of her time. said...

Woohoo. This was the best Oprah episode in a long, long time. I'm glad she finally decided to spice things up and stop talking about her final episode. I'm giving you a standing ovation. Your self-respecting stance worked. Proof is in his follow up message.
Go Rapunzel, go!
PS I'm patting myself on the shoulder for the advice, too.

jo said...

i love this post. love your reply. and love the fact that he's now made plans in advance to meet you :)

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

A couple of things:
1/ brilliant come up with some great ideas of how to write things;
2/ you are no going to make us wait six weeks to find out what happened are you?
3/ no honest man has a 'I don't kiss on a first date rule'. I promise.

Check out my dating disasters:
*Plentymorefishoutofwater - One Man's Dating Diary*

P said...

I love that you sent that text knowing that you might not receive a response and accepting it . . . which made it all the better when he did in fact reply. Just proves that BEING hard to get is better than PLAYING hard to get.

Something similar happened to me recently with the guy I'm currently seeing - I had made other plans with people (not on purpose) every time he wanted to see me, and it seemed to just make him keener. I hadn't done this for that reason, it was just me going on the theory that I still had things to do and couldn't spend all my time waiting around for him.

Happy Frog and I said...

Really enjoyed this post and very much looking forward to the next one. x

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