53 Tales of a Real Life Romance - Chapter 14

17:00
Concierge buzzes me to say I have a gentleman caller on the way up to my apartment. Can't be sure but it sounds like he wants to add 'Woot woo!'

17:02
I pace around in nervous anticipation. Hands mentioned at Alton Towers that he likes the small of my back. Am therefore wearing a backless top. There are no flies on me. Clever girl.

17:04
Hands arrives. He leans down to kiss me and puts his hands round the back of my waist. Asks if I have put that particular top on especially for him. Damn...I've been rumbled. Smart arse.

17:08
Give him a tour of my apartment. Says he likes the view.

17:12
We sit down with glasses of wine overlooking Manchester. Tells me he was half an hour early so went to The Deansgate pub next door. I am happy about this. Nothing worse than a guy turning up early for a date.

17:14
Tells me a girl asked if he wanted to join her and her friends, then when he declined asked if he fancied going out with her sometime. I am not happy about this. Who does this girl think she is trying to cut my grass?

17:30
Discuss where to go for dinner from the limited choice near the theatre. Decide on Pizza Express. I say I'll print out a 'two for one' voucher.

17:32
Regret saying I'll print out a voucher. What if Hands thinks I'm a cheapskate?

17:33
Hands says printing out a voucher is a great idea.

17:40
My printer clearly thinks otherwise as it refuses to print anything.

18:00
Go to reception. Ask concierge to print out voucher for me.

18:01
Worry that they'll report me to Management for being a penny pincher. I'll get banished from the building for lowering the tone. Mind you I'm pretty sure they are already well aware I'm more Primark than Prada.

18:05
Leave Tower brandishing troublesome voucher. Concierge tells us to have a good time. Might be mistaken but am sure he winked at me.

18:30
Arrive at Pizza Express. As we both like things hot and spicy we decide to share two pizzas. There is no 'I' in team.

20:00
Go to theatre to watch show. It's a comedian I love from Scotland. I laugh lots. Hands does too. He seems to like a bit of Scottishness.

21:00
We hold hands throughout. Pretty sure that's not the done thing at a comedy show. There might even be a law against it. I like it though so don't care.

22:00
Show finishes. Comedian says he'll stick around for a bit to say hello. I get excited for a minute cause he's fit and I'd love to meet him.

22:01
Then remember I'm with Hands.

22:02
Then realise I actually don't mind cause Hands is also gorgeous. And funny too.

22:03
Think I must be falling for Hands.

22:30
Discuss going for a night-cap. Hands suggests going back to mine as he says 'it's the company that's important, not where we go.' Smooth.

22:45
I pour us another glass of wine and we sit down to chat. Hands seems more interested in me than his drink or conversation though. We start smooching on the couch.

22:50
Hands is a good kisser.

23:10
I start wondering if I'm going to have stubble rash.

23:20
Hands says that as it is a school night he should think about going.

23:30
We canoodle some more.

23:45
I think about what a really good kisser Hands is. While kissing him.

23:55
Hands says he definitely must go.

00:00
We continue partaking in some first base action.

00:05
Hands says he is going to go. Just after he kisses me one last time...

00:15
Think I've regressed back to being a teenager. Can't remember snogging the face off someone so much since I was 15 and Wiggy and I sat 'winching' in his bedroom listening to Sally Cinammon. On cassette.

00:25
Hands sighs and says he really is going. He gets up muttering something about cold showers.

00:30
I see him to the door. We kiss again. One for the road.

00:40
I go to bed very happy.

20 Going Dutch

Have you ever experienced love at first sight?

I have. Well a definite 'Woo hoo look at you!' at first sight anyway. (Of course if I'd ended up married to said crush, then naturally the story would become a tale of how I just knew he was The One the moment I clapped eyes on him.)

Whatever you want to call it though, I definitely believed that I'd been destined to meet the guy in question.

For a start, I shouldn't have even been there that night.

I'd been spending a few days at the Edinburgh Festival with my cousin Paris (of course that's not her real name - we aren't that sort of a family. It'll teach her though, for putting her number in my phone under Ooh La La which was very embarrassing when she'd call me when I was in company and my phone would announce who was ringing. Anyway, I digress...) It was our last evening so we'd decided to make the most of it by seeing a show.

Unfortunately, Lady Luck wasn't on our side and everything we attempted to get tickets for had sold out. So after traipsing all over Edinburgh, we decided to rest our weary legs and sit and assess our options. In the nearest pub.

Paris ordered us drinks while I nipped to the loo. Still feeling exhausted, I opted for using the disabled toilet on the ground floor, as opposed to climbing the stairs up to the ladies. It was a decision that was to change my life forever, because when I came out, there he was...

Mr Lekker.

Mr Lekker from Holland (hence my use of a Dutch term). He called me over to where he was standing with two friends. So I went (proof that destiny was influencing me, as I'm not normally so obedient when it comes to men.)

I told him that I used to live in Holland (see? Definite destiny.) He asked me if I spoke the lingo.

I replied in the positive and added 'neuken in de keuken' as proof.

He laughed.

Whether that was because he thought I was funny, (it translates as 'sex in the kitchen' so works waaay better in Dutch than in English) or whether he was laughing at my pronunciation, I never found out. Regardless of why, it worked a treat because when I invited him and his friends to join us, he accepted!

And so began an amazing evening. When I asked Paris later, for her honest opinion of Mr Lekker she replied that as he'd spent the night attached to my face she'd never actually seen him.

Obviously she exaggerates. For a start I'm not a teenager anymore so wouldn't just abandon a friend to snog a boy, at least not without checking she was ok first (and fortunately for me, Mr Lekker's friends were great company so Paris was fine..!)

We were pretty obsessed with each other though. It was as if no-one else was in the room. We couldn't stop staring at each other and trying to find out as much as we could about one another.

I discovered that he was a comedian (funny - tick! Good with words - tick!) Single (tick!), older than me (tick!)

In fact the only box I couldn't check was for the fact he lived in Holland, while I lived miles away in Manchester. I decided it didn't matter too much though. I mean I used to live there, so had an affinity with all things Netherlands. It just felt very unfair that I hadn't met him then.

Love conquers all anyway doesn't it? So it would be difficult, but not impossible.

I realise now that it was a bit premature to be thinking along these lines, but I was seriously smitten. And the best bit was, he seemed to feel the same.

I bemoaned when we had to say our goodbyes. But when I received a text from him shortly after, saying that meeting me had made his trip, I felt sure that we were at the beginning of something and not the end.

Naturally I googled him at the first opportunity.

Turns out Mr Lekker was pretty famous. He was certainly more successful than he'd let on. This was an added bonus as it meant that there were a lot of clips of him doing stand-up on Youtube. Therefore even though we were separated by miles, I could still see him every day.

OK, I couldn't actually understand him, as contrary to what I said earlier in the post, I can't speak Dutch aside from talking about kitchen sex and muttering a few profanities. You'd think I'd be able to, what with being Scottish and having no problems saying guttural words like 'loch', but unfortunately there is a bit more to Dutch than that. I vowed to start learning though in order to speak to my new man.

Not that it really mattered, as Mr Lekker's English was so good. I was slightly apprehensive about our first phone call, not being face-to-face and unable to suss out body language, but there was no need. Even if there had been difficulties, his texts would have made up for it.

Ah yes, his texts. They were seriously unbelievable.

Obviously I think I'm not too bad with words and quite a good texter, but with him I'd met my match.

I mean what was I supposed to reply to the following..?

When I think of the two of us alone in a room together, I feel kind of feverish, in my head, my skin, my muscles...

Somehow,...Thanks!... just didn't seem to cut it.

Neither did...Funny, I was just saying the same about you earlier...

I thought I'd met my ideal man - funny, intelligent, good-looking and someone that gives good text.

That's until the morning my phone beeped with a message that changed everything...