37 Tales of a Real Life Romance - Chapter 1

Picture the scene...

I'm out with a friend in a bar, and a gorgeous guy, with the kind of body I'd like to treat myself to, comes over to chat and asks me for my number.

You think I'd be happy wouldn't you? Well I wasn't.

It's not that I'm weird. I was happy the first time it happened, very happy in fact. But second time, I took it all with a big, fat, pinch of salt.

Confused? Let me rewind...

Nearly a year previously, I'd been out with my friend Lu (Little Un) in a bar (deja vu?) having a lovely time. We were having the usual girlie chats about shopping and periods and what kind of men we find attractive. I was just describing my type when in walked a group of guys, and amongst them was a guy that was a perfect example! I pointed him out to my friend. Like an adult version of Show and Tell.

A short while later, the group had moved closer and closer to where Lu and I were sitting and I ended up chatting to Mr Just-My-Type. He told me that he was a hand model for QVC.

Liar! He did have the biggest hands I've ever seen, but I wouldn't say they were of modelling standards. Not without a decent manicure for a start.

It didn't matter though because he had unwittingly played one of my favourite games. I love the 'pretend you do a different job from what you actually do' game! Me and Taggart play it all the time when we are out. We've had all sorts of roles, from envelope makers (yes, we aim high!) to cheese holers (we claimed that it was our job to drill the holes into Swiss cheese.) And my personal favourite, was when Taggart had a group of girls convinced that she was the sole person responsible for naming streets all over the UK. God knows what they thought would happen if she was ever off sick.

So I was quite happy to let Mr JMT tell me all about his fake job and show me some of the poses he was required to do, while I giggled coquettishly.

All the fluttering eyelashes stuff worked a treat, cause as our respective groups started making plans to go to separate bars, he asked for my number. Woo hoo! He texted later to see if we wanted to join them again, but as we were already heading home I replied in the negative.

A few days later, having heard no more from him, I decided to text him...

Please don't groan! Yes, I've seen 'He's Just Not That Into You' and do know that if a guy likes you, he will text you. But what if he'd lost my number or something? Just to be on the safe side I texted something casual...

He replied straight away. Ha! In your face, successful book and film! Sometimes it is good for the girl to make the first move.

There were a couple more texts that evening. Him explaining he was on his way to a concert, and me telling him to have a good time.

And then nothing...absolutely nada. Well there was no way I was making the second move as well as the first, so that was the end of that. All forgotten about until...

Ten months later, I'm out again and who comes over to me , but Hands?

He says he's sure we've met before...

Yes we have. We met. You took my number. It didn't go anywhere.

Says he thinks we even texted one night...

Yep we did.

Says he thinks I stopped texting him...

What?! That's soooo not what happened Hands!

I didn't bother arguing with him and instead made polite conversation, cursing the fact that he was looking as fine as ever.

My friend and I finished our drinks and got up to leave to go to another bar. I said goodbye to Hands. As I walked away he called out my name...

'Just to warn you I will be getting in touch with you, and I'm going to be asking you out!'

I just smiled in a way that I hoped said 'Whatever'.

Of course from past experience I knew not to hold my breath, but I couldn't help hoping that this time he really would...

22 I'm Single, Let's Mingle

There was a moment the other week that I thought I was going to be a bit like Bob Geldof.

I'd come up with the idea for a brilliant campaign and I felt pretty sure it was going to be become a world-wide phenomenon. Plus, it was going to be a very worthy venture because it would help a large chunk of the population that are really in need but often get forgotten about.

And they are of course...Single People.

My brainwave came about quite by accident. If you remember, last post but one, was about how I'd given out my phone number to a random barman, and despite subsequently discovering that he had a girlfriend, I decided that it was still a good approach. I finished by telling you that I'd had the opportunity to do it again the same week...

Basically I was out with my friend Lu (so named because she is just a 'little un') and we'd just popped into one of our regular haunts for some pub grub, when the barman greeted me with 'I know you!'

I also knew him, but I wasn't sure where from. I don't know about you but I'm terrible for placing people when I see them out of context. I remember being adamant that a fellow diner in a restaurant was from a boyband, when in actual fact he just worked in my local Tescos.

It became clear though, when barman explained that he'd got a new job and just a few weeks before he'd been working in my local bar.

Ah yes, of course.

What was still unclear though, was how he knew that I frequent his previous place of employment, because when he did work there I swear that he never used to pay me the blindest bit of attention.

Unfortunately I can't say the same for me because Mr Barman was so gorgeous I couldn't help but look at him. His face was made to be ogled. It would have been rude not to.

Anyway I decided to ignore the past and concentrate on the fact that Mr Barman was paying me attention in the here and now. (Well they do say that the present is a gift and all that.)

As it was only a few days since my 'success' with Luscious Luke, and I was still feeling ten foot tall and bullet-proof, I decided that I would not be leaving without giving my number to this fittie.

Anyway, cutting a long story short, and bypassing accounts of my attempts to flirt for Scotland, it soon became time for us to leave. Despite being desperate for a wazz, I told Lu that I didn't need and let her go to the ladies alone (Girl in 'Going to Toilet on Her Own' Shocker!) because I was going to make my move...

Okay here goes....

C'mon Rapunzel, you can do it..

I'm sorry readers but I couldn't 'do it'. Turns out I'm a big feardy cat.

I tried to convince myself that it was because I didn't want to become a 'number-giver-outer-floozie'. Also I like that bar he works in and I didn't want to make things awkward for either of us any time I went back in there.

Fact is though, I think I was most worried that he may actually have a girlfriend. Of course he may not have been interested in me full stop anyway.

What if he was though, and just didn't think it appropriate to be making moves on the customers a few weeks into a new job?

If only there was a way for single people to tell that other single people were single.

That's when I had a brainwave...

People could wear something to indicate their single status. Like those traffic light nights where people wear certain coloured clothes depending on what they are 'up for' that evening. This would be a daily thing though, similar to those that are married wearing a ring.

There starteth my idea for a campaign. It was going to be brilliant!

I mentioned it to my mum, thinking she'd feel proud about how clever her daughter is. She just wanted to know what I'd envisaged people wearing. Her suggestion was a sticker.

Yep, a sticker. Seriously.

Okay I might not have come up with anything definitive but I knew for sure that 'a sticker' was a pants idea. For starters you never know when you might meet your Mr or Mrs Right so should be advertising your singleness at all times.

I can just imagine if I'd turned up for work at the Breast Unit wearing my 'I'm available' sticker. I'm pretty sure that my new boss would have promptly called my temp agency to express concern that it seemed I was more interested in picking up doctors than typing up letters.

Nope that definitely wasn't going to work. I called my brother to tell him what a silly suggestion my mum had made and asked for his ideas. Imagine my surprise when he informed me that my whole campaign was shit.

He pointed out that if us single girls were wearing a ring, bracelet, t-shirt, tattoo, sticker or whatever, that announced we were unattached, we could no longer ward off any minging guys that approached us, with the excuse that we have a boyfriend.

Oh yeah. I could see his point. And I didn't have any comeback for him.

So that was the end of that. My time as a campaign leader lasted for a mere...ooh...half an hour.

Unless you have any suggestions on how to make it work that is? Come on, unweds need you! Help singles mingle!