21 Double Dutch

I've got a girlfriend...

What? I was confused. I re-read the text that I'd just received from Mr Lekker.

The word 'girlfriend' was jumping out at me. Which would be ok if it was following the words 'do you want to be my...'. Instead this was featuring in a sentence that I really didn't want to be seeing. Nor should I be, because I distinctly remembered asking if he was in a relationship and the answer was definitely in the form of a negative.

...I'm really sorry that I lied to you...

Good, at least I wasn't losing my mind. I had asked him.

...I was having such a good time and I didn't want it to end...

Er, this isn't a trip to the fairground we are talking about Mr Lekker.

I jest, but in reality I was absolutely gutted. I felt sick.

For a start it seemed incredibly unfair. I'd been single for...ooh...cough...a while, and felt that I'd been pretty patient. Did Cupid think it would be a good joke to introduce me to someone that well and truly floated my boat, but someone that was already playing port and starboard with someone else?

As well as that, I was annoyed at the fact that I had suddenly become the 'other woman.' That's not a game I ever wanted to play. Apart from all the usual reasons, I believe that I deserve better than being 3rd place in someone's life (in my opinion these men tend to put themselves 1st, and their partners 2nd.)

I would like to say that at this point I just deleted this text, along with his number and carried on with my life. That's not what happened though (of course if you would prefer to think that is what I did do, then please stop reading now and just avoid any post with anything Dutch-related in the title and you will be none the wiser.) No, the rest of his text was so lovely (damn him and his talent for texting!)that I felt compelled to phone him.

There followed a deep and meaningful conversation where we said how strongly we felt about each other. And ended in us deciding to meet up again.

I know, I know! I'm not sure either how in the space of a morning I'd changed from being someone with morals, to Monica Lewinsky.

The chemistry between us had been almost palpable though, and surely if things were that great between him and his girlfriend he wouldn't be calling me most evenings to say goodnight?

The chats and texts continued as normal. We planned when to meet and started discussing where. England or Holland? (Or somewhere neutral like Switzerland?!) I sent him a text about flights I'd seen.

I didn't get a reply. Weird. That wasn't like him at all. Maybe he hadn't received it?

I sent it again. Still no reply.

I sent a different text. Silence.

My male friends often tell me tales of 'psycho' girls that text them repeatedly and just won't take the hint that they aren't interested in them. I nod and agree that these particular women do sound a bit unstable and I assure them that we aren't all like that. Writing this though I realise I was, albeit for a very brief time, one of those girls!!!!

Of course it all could have been avoided if I'd received a message, something along the lines of...

Hey Rapunzel, great meeting you but by the way I've decided not to contact you again.

Fine - at least I'd know where I stood. No such text arrived though so I presumed that Mr Lekker must have lost his phone. Or be in hospital. Or dead. Cause he wouldn't just stop contacting the girl that he said he was falling for would he?

Of course he flipping would! And thankfully I eventually saw the light myself. Not before sending a few 'Loopy Lou' texts unfortunately but hey, I was emotional.

A Dutch friend suggested that I sell my story over there. I decided against it. Mr Lekker may be famous but he isn't exactly Tiger Woods. Plus my 'kiss and tell' would literally be just that - there was no horizontal fun to speak about. I'd be lucky if anyone would pay enough for a portion of frites and mayo for my non-juicy gossip. Also I'm really not that kind of a girl. I'd never dream of telling stories to a load of people about my personal life.

So life continued. I managed to wean myself off watching Mr Lekker on t'internet. I'd practically forgotten he even existed.

Until months and months later my phone rang from a Dutch number. A Dutch number I vaguely recognised...

I couldn't believe it! I also couldn't hear him. I was in Scotland visiting the parents, in the home of crap phone reception.

I tried everything. Moving to different rooms. Hanging out windows. Apart from the odd word, I had no idea what he was saying. I hung up. In a strop.

Then a text came through...

I'm in Scotland. Are you? Can we meet?

Yes, and hell yes!

Obviously I didn't write that. I played it a bit cool. Inside my stomach was churning though. I couldn't believe that I was going to see Mr Lekker again!

25 Gobbledygook

According to newspapers, there is a school in England that has banned pupils from sending Valentine cards, as they don't think children are 'emotionally mature' enough to cope with romance.

One of my former classmates may very well have wished that particular rule was in place when we were at school.

Little Bobby Walker. The object of my affection when I was the grand old age of 11.

He wore a really nice anorak and was good at playing football so I decided I was going to ask him to be my boyfriend. Not only that, but I was going to do something quite unheard of. Instead of sending a friend on my behalf, to tell Bobby that I fancied him, I decided to cut out the middle man and speak to him myself. Face to face. Man to man.

This was my first mistake. The second was telling my friends about my plan. Word got around, so it meant that when the bell rang at the end of the day, quite a crowd had gathered at the school gate. Standing in the centre of the group was Bobby Walker.

'I hear you have something to ask me. What is it?'

My third mistake was forgetting that boys mature slower than girls. I paid no heed to the fact that Bobby was surrounded by his friends and would want to impress them. I stupidly went ahead and asked him loudly and clearly if he would be mine.

'No. Eff off.'

He actually said the proper profanity, I just can't bring myself to type it. I can still distinctly remember how I felt standing in front of everyone with my cheeks smarting while his grubby friends laughed.

What I don't remember is what I did after. That is until a few months ago when my older cousin gave me a load of letters I'd written to her as a wee lassie growing up in Scotland.

One particular letter mentioned that I'd sent a Valentine's card to Bobby Walker.

It all suddenly came back to me. Don't worry it wasn't a mushy one. Obviously he didn't deserve that. No, I remembered that what I'd done was made him a card with the inscription 'You and your mouth are fowl' and being the clever girl I was, I'd drawn a picture of a hen to accompany my words. I know, I know, witty eh?!

I'm just glad that this memory came back to me because I hadn't explained all this in my letter. In actual fact I could have been really concerned about the young me, because all I had written to my cousin, in my big childish scrawl was...

'Did you send any Valentine cards this year? I did. I sent one to Bobby Walker. I drew a cock on it.'

Ah, the innocence of youth.

The card clearly worked a treat because it was no time at all before Bobby said he'd changed his mind and wanted me to be his girlfriend. Or rather he got his twin brother Billy to tell me that. I just wish I could have seen his face when Billy went back and told him that I'd also changed my mind and now liked him instead and we'd become a couple...

12 Dr McDreamy

Hot doctor alert!

Only just the other week, I questioned the existence of real-life Dr McDreamys. Turns out there is at least one.

My best mate has seen him.

Unfortunately for me, he is in Scotland so absolutely no-where near my hospital.

And unfortunately for my best mate, she was hand-cuffed to a junkie when she met him.

I should add that this wasn't down to some weird hobby that she has. No, she's a cop. She was at work.

Actually I don't think she was hand-cuffed to the junkie but as I'm telling the story and it makes it seem more dramatic, that's what I'm saying.

Anyway, as I said, best mate (who we will now refer to as Taggart) was with her cop sidekick and afore-mentioned junkie waiting for the doc to come and fix the junkie's hand which was gushing with blood.

Junkie was complaining about Taggart and Sidekick arresting him and how he was probably going to get three years. Just general chit-chat.

Until, in walked....according to Taggart...the most beautiful man alive.

A real-life Dr McDreamy.

McDreamy started seeing to the junkie (so to speak) while Taggart fantasised about his bedside manner and wished she wasn't at work. Or sitting with a junkie and a sidekick? How was she meant to flirt with them in the way? And while wearing very unsexy shoes for that matter?

There wasn't actually anything about the situation that was similar to how she'd imagined meeting the future Mr Taggart.

McDreamy finally left the room and she turned to her...er...comrades. 'Ohmigod, howwwwww hot is he?!'

Except he hadn't actually left the room.

Turns out he still had a bit more doctor stuff to do.

He continued 'doctoring' while Junkie and Sidekick sniggered and Taggart wished she was somewhere else. Anywhere else.

After forever, McDreamy finished his thing and properly left the room and Junkie and Sidekick erupted into laughter.

Taggart felt embarrassed.

Junkie, perhaps thinking Taggart would let him go if he was nice to her, started questioning Sidekick's ability as a sidekick. He reckoned that a proper, supportive sidekick would have helped Taggart get McDreamys phone number.

He asked Taggart if he should get it for her when he gets out of prison. Though in his Glasgow accent, it was a bit more like...

'Hen, di yae waaant mi tae fun oot his numburrrr fur yae whin ahm oot tha jail?'

Taggart was not impressed.

No, not because a junkie was offering to be her Cilla.

It was more to do with the time-frame..

'You'll get me his number when you get out of jail?! In three years?! I'd better be blimming married to him by then!!'