128 Tales of a Real Life Romance - The End

I'd asked him, 'Will you still encourage your children to like football even though you don't?'

He'd replied, 'I don't want kids.'

A short and seemingly innocent conversation to anyone listening, but one that changed things forever. It was the beginning of the end of Hands and Rapunzel.

Jeremy Kyle informed me that it was my own fault. He said I'd scared Hands off by asking if I could have his babies so soon in the relationship. I tried to point out that it was a general query about children that had revealed this news. There was no second part to the question where I'd asked '...and also can I be the mother of these kids that may or may not like football?' I hadn't even said it under my breath.

Perhaps Jeremy was right though and it was too early to have that talk, even if it was unwittingly. It was definitely too soon to know whether I'd want to invite Hands to a breeding party, but when is the right time to know whether it's a guest list he'd ever even want to be on? We were on Date 8. How many more dates until it would have been acceptable chat? My friend was adamant that as we were at a certain age he should have mentioned it straight away, perhaps on Date 1 when he said that he'd never wed or bred he could have added that he didn't fancy the latter in the future either. 'Then you would've known if you were on the same page from the outset,' she added wisely.

Perhaps, because several dates on and just as I was really falling for him, I felt sick to discover that we weren't, and in fact were reading from completely different books.

We didn't discuss it anymore and just continued having a lovely evening. We didn't need to talk about it. We both knew that there was no point carrying on when we wanted different things. We both knew it was the end.

As Hands drove me back to Manchester the following day I spun my ring round my finger trying to concentrate on not crying.

'I'm going to miss your big rings,' he said.

'I'm going to miss big you,' I replied.

He pulled up at the Tower, we said a quick goodbye and I got out of the car.

A group of guys in a taxi waiting at the lights nearby rolled down their window and shouted at me.

'Hey gorgeous! Come with us!'

So I did. And cheekily blew a kiss at Hands as off I went to party with my new friends.

Nah I didn't really. I was too emotionally drained. I just went in to my apartment block. But secretly prayed that Hands had heard what they'd said.

He texted me later to see how I was and added that from what he'd witnessed when he dropped me off, he didn't imagine that I'd be single for long.

Maybe not but I'll never forget my short-lived, but lovely, real life romance with the guy with the big hands.

THE END

41 Tales of a Real Life Romance - Chapter 23

'So how did it go?' Jeremy Kyle enquired on the Monday morning. He was referring to my night in the hotel with Hands the weekend prior.

'Not good unfortunately,' I replied.

'It's your own fault,' Jeremy said after I'd recounted the sorry tale. 'What did you expect to happen after you told him that? No man would want to hear that so early into a relationship.'

I should add that JK was presenting the programme I was working on. I wasn't appearing on his show. Things weren't that bad. Or were they?

I'd been giddy with excitement when Hands had picked me up on the Saturday afternoon. Despite the fact that I spent the first six months of my life in a hotel that my dad was managing and for the last four summers I've done a job making videos of hotels abroad for tour company websites (by my reckoning I've probably filmed at at least 300) and I've practically been living in a hotel for three years (or above one anyway) you would imagine that going to a hotel was the last thing I wanted to do. It wasn't. I love hotels. Plus the fact that I would be sharing the experience with a certain large-handed man was adding to the appeal.

We arrived and followed the unwritten obligatory procedure that is required after checking in to your room...in that we opened drawers and wardrobes to see how much space there was, even though we weren't going to be using them. We switched on the TV to see how many channels there were, even though we wouldn't be watching it. We exclaimed at the prices for room service, even though we wouldn't be ordering from it. We lay on the bed to test how comfortable it was, even though we weren't intending to do much sleeping in it...er...I mean even though it wouldn't really matter for one night.

Law of hotels completed we got ready and went out for dinner. We found a lovely little family-run Italian nearby, the kind of place where you discover that you've been pronouncing bruschetta wrongly when they read back over your order. The kind of place where the staff are so attentive that by the time you leave you are ciao, ciaoing and kissing like old friends.

A while later and on our garlicky main courses (we'd discussed it and decided it was ok seeing as we'd only be kissing each other) for some reason I felt it was time to tell Hands that I was a blogger.

I've no idea why I decided then was my opportune moment. It may have had something to do with the Prosecco I was drinking. Who knows. I'd made my mind up though and went for it.

'There's something I need to tell you about myself...'

His face dropped and I could see various options flitting through his head. I felt sure that they would all be worse than what I was about to tell him. Wouldn't they?

32 The One Where All This Happened...

If my life in 2010 was a sitcom, the episode guide would look something a bit like this...

Ep 1: The one with the date with a blogger.

Rapunzel makes the brave (foolhardy?) decision to go on a date with the infamous Fishy. For some unknown reason she suggests they fly to another country for the day. The nation waits with baited breath to read Rapunzel and Fishy's versions of how they got along...


Ep 2: The one with the Blogger's Night Out.

Rapunzel goes on another blind date with bloggers. This time with four other girls. Despite what you may imagine, a typical BNO does not involve everyone taking out their laptops. Instead, the girls go for dinner and cocktails and much fun is had by all. Normally what happens on a night out, stays on a night out, but the usual rules do not apply when going out with bloggers who write about everything. Rapunzel forgets about this fact amongst all the merriment and ends up doing something silly...


Ep 3: The one where Rapunzel's blog is on a shortlist.

Fellow blogger Tuppence nominates Rapunzel as one of Manchester's best personal bloggers. Rapunzel is delighted, especially when she is shortlisted in the top 5. She doesn't win but doesn't mind cause everyone knows that it is the taking part that counts. Plus she hadn't been blogging very much...


Ep 4: The one where Rapunzel stops blogging.

We see Rapunzel doing her favourite job - filming hotels for the internet - in seven different countries, including Benidorm, Gran Canaria and Tenerife. She has many tales to tell but is so busy styling bathrooms (spare toilet rolls just look so tacky), chatting to managers and persuading tourists to be filmed in their beachwear, that she doesn't get the chance to recount these stories. And any spare time that she does get, is spent on the beach rather than in internet cafes writing posts.


Ep 5: The one where Rapunzel gets older.

Rapunzel celebrates turning 34. She is working in Portugal which coincidentally is also what she was doing on her 19th birthday. See a flashback as she compares her current situation to the way things were back then...

Work
1995 - waitressing in an Indian restaurant.
2010 - assistant producer doing a job she loves. (winner!)

Home
1995 - paid an equivalent of £5 a night to stay in an apartment that rarely even had running water.
2010 - paying a lot more than £5 a night to stay in an apartment with floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking Manchester's city centre in the UK's tallest residential building. (winner and not just because of the constant water!)

Love
1995 - in the second year of a relationship with her first love who is at home waiting for his free-spirited girlfriend's return from working abroad for 3 months.
2010 - single and has been for donkeys. (hmmmm!)

In the end Rapunzel decides that is there no point comparing, and that at 34 she is actually the equivalent of two 17 year olds and what could be better than that?!


Ep 6: The one with the purple balloons.

Rapunzel once told Taggart that she'd love to come home to a room filled with balloons. Taggart remembered this and arranges for Rapunzel's new flatmate (The Goddess) to fill Rapunzel's bedroom with purple balloons as well as putting up birthday banners to surprise her when she gets back from Portugal. Just a perfect example of...


Ep 7: The one with the amazing friends.

Rapunzel has some tough times throughout the year but is supported by her fabulous friends. The afore-mentioned Taggart and The Goddess are towers of strength as is her friend England, Scarlet and not forgetting Lego who sends her a care package consisting of things like magazines and face masks as a pick-me-up at a particularly crap time. If good friends were money, Rapunzel would be rich.


Ep 8: The one where Rapunzel is a lesbian.

Or at least she is asked if she is. By her mum. In a text.


Ep 9: The one where Rapunzel goes to bootcamp.

Rapunzel finishes her abroad jobs and decides to start blogging again. She then gets a job filming on an army base where she spends the week staying in the Officer's Mess. 'Officer's Mess?' her friend says, 'That's even better than the Sergeant's Mess. How posh!'

And yes, it is posh if you class posh as somewhere with a single bed, no TV, no internet (bang goes the plans to return to blogging) and shared showers.

In this episode see Rapunzel wake up to the sound of 'Left, right, left right' outside her window. See her argue with one of the Majors for nicking her space in the shower queue. See her complain that 'It's just not right seeing your boss in your pyjamas!' after she sees her boss in his pyjamas. Then see when the fire alarm goes off at 3am and all the crew and Officers traipse outside to the cold and everyone sees each other in their nightwear!


Ep 10: The one with the embarrassing moment.

Flashback to Rapunzel's first day at bootcamp. She has started a week later than the rest of the team and is keen to make a good impression. They finish filming one of the soldiers and Rapunzel goes towards him to take off his radio mic. For some reason the soldier gets confused and seeems to think that Rapunzel is going to kiss him. She realises this, gets flustered and almost draws on his face with the pen she is brandishing. She lets him kiss her though so he's not embarrassed. He realises his mistake though when she reaches for his mic and of course gets embarrassed. Rapunzel does her best to act like it is normal to kiss people when you de-mic them to make him feel better. She prays no-one has noticed.

Seems her boss did. He pulls her aside after and asks 'What the hell was all that about?!' From then on jokes are made when Rapunzel is around soldiers, warning her to refrain from kissing them.


Ep 11: The one where Rapunzel sleepwalks.

Rapunzel gets up from her bed in the Officer's Mess and rushes to queue for the shower with her towel and shampoo. The shower is empty which is weird. She then discovers that it is only 1am and has only been in bed a couple of hours and is actually sleepwalking.

On hearing the story, Jeremy Kyle, the presenter of the programme Rapunzel is working on, informs her that isn't normal behaviour (some could argue that neither was the incident in episode 10). As someone that is known for having unusual people on his chat show, Rapunzel takes on board his thoughts and googles 'sleepwalking'.

It turns out that it isn't usual to have conversations in the middle of the night with people that aren't there. Nor is it normal when staying at your parents home to go into their room and ask your mum who the bugger is that she is in bed with (especially when you should really be able to recognise your own dad...) and then switch their light on and off repeatedly. Seems Jeremy had a point. Rapunzel just isn't quite sure what to do about finding a cure. She has other things distracting her anyway...


Ep 12: The one where Rapunzel meets a boy...

Rapunzel meets a boy. A boy she really likes...

Tune in this Friday for the first episode of the new 2011 series to find out what happens...