If the writers of The Rules had seen me on my date with Hands, they would have been appalled at how woefully unprepared I was.
There were certain things that I was supposed to do prior to the event, like 'have a bubble bath,' read The Rules and 'nourish' my soul with 'positive slogans like, "I'm a beautiful woman. I am enough."'
As I wasn't even sure I was meeting Hands until the last minute, I'd done none of the above. I suppose I could have tried to redeem things by sticking to The Rules for the actual date.
I could have made no attempt to get my purse out and let him pay for everything (and continue like that for another two dates!). I could have made sure that I 'sip-never-slurp' my drink. I wouldn't have told any 'sarcastic jokes.' I would never have started conversations and only talked about what he wanted to talk about. I would have made sure that my 'gestures were soft and feminine' and I would definitely have followed the most important rule - 'when your hair falls in front of your face, you tilt your head back and comb back your hair with your hand from the top of your head in a slow, sweeping motion.' (I bet that a few of you are trying this one! I did after I typed it. If only to try and work out what on earth they are going on about!)
Yes, these are the real rules from The Rules, and I should have been following them if I wanted things to go well with Hands, but unfortunately (fortunately?) I just couldn't remember them so I decided to do something controversial and just be myself.
And whaddya know? Hands seemed to like the real Rapunzel!
We had a great time. We went to a bar near mine, Dukes 92 (for those who know Manchester and would like to properly picture the scene). Chat came easily and we found out lots about each other. I discovered he was...
35 - a year older than me. Tick!
Had a good job that he loved, where he managed loads of people. Tick! (Though was slightly concerned that he might be more of an adult than I am...)
Had never wed or bred. Tick! Tick!
Gets on well with his family, including his twin sister. Tick! (Surely a guy with a female twin must have some understanding of women?)
Owns his own home. (Obviously this is a plus point but it's not on my must-have list. I'd have a cheek if it was, seeing as I rent my city pad.)
Loves travelling. Tick!
Funny. Big, massive, humongous tick!
I was really struggling not to enjoy the night despite that being what the Goddess and I had intended.
When Hands went to the toilet I sent her a text.
He is lovely!x
She replied immediately...
Ohhhh I'm so pleased!! Enjoy it! You deserve it! x
No mention of the fact we'd decided I was to have a crap time by way of punishment for his bad organisational skills. I silently thanked the Universe for bringing me such a good friend, and continued having a lovely evening with the Goddess's blessing.
A while later and Hands said he'd better think about going. Damn! I was meant to end the date. According to The Rules, I was supposed to glance at my watch 'after two hours and say "Gee, this was really great, but I've got a really big day tomorrow."'
Ah well. I'd broken most of their rules anyway so I decided that I was going to break another one. Yep, I was going to have a snog with him. (You must never, never, never kiss him on the first date.) I texted the Goddess and told her.
I want to kiss him! Think I will!x
She replied.... Ooh la la!x...which clearly meant she also thought it was a good idea.
I don't know whether it was the excitement about the passionate embrace that I was about to have, but as Hands walked me back to the Tower I felt like I couldn't walk properly. I was a bit lop-sided. I couldn't work it out. And obviously I couldn't discuss it with him. You just don't do you?
I remember a time when on another date I was having a drink, missed my mouth, and ended up with diet coke all over my white top. I didn't mention it to that guy either and instead kept my jacket on for the remainder of the date. Like someone that had just been let out for the day. (Does this explain a few things Kevin?!)
We arrived at the entrance to the Tower. I was feeling very flustered about my dodgy gait and praying that Hands hadn't noticed that I was walking as if I'd had a stroke. I was also gearing up for the kiss and the awkward moment about whether you will or not that always accompanies the end of a first date.
Except turns out that it wasn't awkward at all.
No. Hands just said, 'Right I'll be off then. See ya,' kissed me on the cheek and disappeared so quickly I doubted that he'd ever even been there.
Oh right then.
I entered the Tower lobby and checked my shoes to see if they'd caused me to walk funny. One of my heels had broken. Great.
Concierges asked me how the date had gone and said that they'd seen us on the security cameras. This was like when I was 14 and my dad came out to the garden to put something in the bin and caught me winching Billy Bolton at the front gate. Except that then there was actually something to see.
I said that to them and explained that I thought things had gone really well but the way he'd dashed off suggested he wasn't that keen.
As I got into bed a short while later my phone beeped...
Hey...thanks for a really nice night...x
Mmmm. I was really confused now....