Tuesday, 18 January 2011

32 Tales of a Real Life Romance - Chapter 4

It was the Wednesday night, and I was sitting with the Goddess watching TV when my phone rang.

'It's Hands! It's Hands!' I screeched calmly. 'I'll go and take this in my room!'

I'd just got to the living-room door when my mobile stopped ringing. The Goddess and I both collapsed into fits of giggles.

'You do realise that you can't call him back?' the Goddess informed me.

'Awww why not?' I whined. Knowing full well why not.

'It's one of the rules. You've not to call guys, and you've not to return calls'

The bloody Rules!

The Goddess had been so keen for my 'relationship' with Hands (never before has a word needed inverted commas so much...) to get off the ground, that she'd rushed out to the Waterstones, to buy me The Rules at the first opportunity.

I didn't have the heart to tell her that I wasn't keen on them.

Don't get me wrong, I was loving them at first. In fact I'd got stuck in straight away as soon as she handed me the little bag.

Just two pages in, I was convinced it was the book for me, after reading that The Rules were basically 'just a simple working set of behaviours and reactions that, when followed, invariably serve to make most women irresistible to desirable men.'

Woo hoo! Lock up your sons!

The second chapter stated that if you follow The Rules, 'he will not just marry you, but feel crazy about you, forever!'

Now, I wasn't 100% sure that I wanted Hands to take me up the aisle - there was that small matter that I'd only spent half an hour total in his company. But hey, it's good to be prepared right? Just in case I did get the urge to don a big meringue with him. Plus, it's always nice when a guy wants to marry you, even if you don't feel the same.

It continued by adding that you also need not worry about him chasing other women, 'even your very attractive neighbour, because when you do The Rules, he somehow thinks you're the sexiest woman alive!'

Now this would be a relief, cause as I live in a Tower with over 200 apartments, I have a lot of neighbours...

Chapter 4 focused on how to look to attract men. It gave some extremely useful tips, including the gem that it's important not to be a fashion slave, and spend a month's salary on 'bell bottoms and clogs.'

Jeez, if I'd counted the amount of times that I'd nipped out for a pint of milk and ended up returning home with some of Primarni's finest flarey trews and some wooden shoes to wear with them... Phew! Thanks The Rules. I won't be doing that again.

So are we agreed that it was all good so far? Yep? Don't get too excited though because it was on page 21 that things went horribly wrong...

It was on that very page that it said that you should not, I repeat not, under any circumstances, have short hair. Short hair is evil.

That's me fecked.

I know I call myself Rapunzel, but I'm being ironic (I think?) because I'm actually the modern day version with a short 'do.' You see I may quite fancy the idea of having a prince, but I don't need to be rescued. I'm quite happy thanks. So I don't need long hair to trail out of my Tower air vents. It would just be surplus to requirements, and would probably just get in the way and end up getting trapped in the lift doors etc.

Ok, admittedly The Rules didn't say those exact words, but it does instruct you to grow your hair as it says that men prefer it and adds that the 'point is we're girls! We don't want to look like boys.'

Perhaps men do have a penchant for longer tresses, but I don't agree that having short hair automatically means you look male. Fair enough, when I was 10 years old, and it was fashionable to get your hair spiked, it was difficult to know what sex I was, but there's been no confusion since. Certainly not since I grew myself a pair of double D's anyway.

I look nada like a boy and was not about to grow my hair cause some book tells me to. I put The Rules down in a strop (see I am all girl?!) and decided I wouldn't be friends with them for a wee while.

So, I wasn't about to take their advice about not returning calls, as gospel. Plus wasn't it bad-manners not to call people back? I said this to the Goddess.

'No, it's not rude, it's The Rules. Of course it's up to you what you do, but I think you should keep on him on his toes....and perhaps lengthen the time your phone rings before it goes to answering machine!'

Hmmm. I pretended to agree with her, but inside I decided that I'd ignore that rule. I'd listen to the message Hands had left and then I'd call him back. In my room. Quietly.

I dialled the number to retrieve my voicemails.


Turns out I had 'no new messages.'

Hands hadn't left me a voicemail. I'm convinced the automated woman even said it with a smirk in her voice.

Great. I'd agreed to follow some stupid rules that stopped me calling men. It seemed Hands wasn't bothered about chatting to me anyway. And I had a 'no-go' short barnet.

Things weren't looking good.


Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

It's not your short hair that makes you look like a man, it's your moustache.
Apart from that, nice post AGAIN. Liking this series a lot.
Check out my dating disasters:
*Plentymorefishoutofwater - One Man's Dating Diary*

Kev D. said...

Short hair's awesome. Fuck the rules.

Betty B said...

After reading your blog with the rule book in I did some research, turns out a girl I know followed them and did bag herself a husband, but she has also turned into a 24 year old housewife who creates physical menus for breakfast for people that stay round- rebel against the rules, they are scary!

Glen said...

shame about the clogs - I'd definitely fall for a woman in clogs. I felt nothing but let down when I went round the red light district in Amsterdam.

High heels and stockings everywhere you look - but not one damned pair of clogs. I left there in a strop and with all my money still safely in my pocket I can assure you.
A man has to have standards after all.

Men HATE leaving voice messages - FACT

Bamberio said...

These Rules sound like a bag of wank. Then again what do I know? I'm hardly a dating guru. I'm fascinated to know if the Rules work out...

Oh and double DDs > stupid rule about short hair every time.

whydidn'tshefancyme said...

Short hair rule is complete crap, nothing wrong with short hair.

Aand anyway what sort of a book is a Chapter 4 by page 21, sounds like this book is a dud to me!!!

Taggart said...

I once read about a guy that adores short hair on females because he could then see her neck, he claimed it was the sexiest part of a female, so not all men like long hair!! Also....double D's, who are you trying to kid!!! You may wear that size bra but they are way bigger than that!!! xx

Toni said...

Taggart is right, (who knew Alex Ferguson read your blog)? The Japanese think that the back of the neck is the sexiest part of a woman. Even know you still see Japanese girls at companies with haircuts that move upwards at the back of the neck.
I went out with a bald girl once but she was having chemo.

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

This hands guy sounds like a Twat. Waiting forever to call, then not leaving a message?!? If he'd left a message, I would have called him back a while later.

And I think whatever hair cut makes you feel sexy is which one the guys will ;)

upsidedowngirl said...

I am loving this mini serial very muchly...also i agree with lifebeginsat30ty if you feel hot a guy is much more likely to be attracted to you than if you go all 'because i'm worth it' on his ass!!x x

jo said...

have you watched the disney movie tangled? the rapunzel there rocked her short 'do in the end. or perhaps i'm biased since i'm a short haired girl myself (though unfortunately with far from double Ds haha!)

i think you should call hands back. some rules are good to follow but i'm not sure if all the rules would make sense. i reckon that not calling him would be rude and make him think you aren't interested at all which you are. you don't need to call him all the time but i think you need to call him back.

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

p.s. Any advice for a girl about to date a fellow blogger? ;)


Anonymous said...

Ew, those rules SUCK.

As soon as something is telling you how you're supposed to look in order to attract a guy, I'm pretty sure it's time to discount all the other 'rules' because they're terrible and wrong.

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mela said...

Taggart is right, (who knew Alex Ferguson read your blog)? The Japanese think that the back of the neck is the sexiest part of a woman. Even know you still see Japanese girls at companies with haircuts that move upwards at the back of the neck.
I went out with a bald girl once but she was having chemo.yournexthomeexterior |

Unknown said...

I once read about a guy that adores short hair on females because he could then see her neck, he claimed it was the sexiest part of a female, so not all men like long hair!! Also....double D's, who are you trying to kid!!! You may wear that size bra but they are way bigger than that!!! xxAZ Health Care |

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