Sunday, 10 October 2010

25 Budgie Smugglers

I had a couple of awkward conversations at work last week. It wasn't the topics discussed that made them difficult, more the way that the people I was chatting to were attired.

The first was with a topless woman. Call me weird but I find it hard discussing the rules regarding filming children with a woman who has out.

(My cameraman said later that he didn't see what I found so difficult about the exchange and that he hadn't felt uncomfortable at all. He was wearing sunglasses mind you.)

The other chat was with a fifty-something German man. A Speedo wearing fifty-something German man.

I should probably explain at this stage that I've been filming in Lanzarote. Just in case you are wondering what kind of weird office I work in.

What do you make of Speedos? I'm uncertain. I just find it a bit difficult to see men roaming around the streets in what are essentially their pants.

I wasn't best impressed the time I went on a date with a guy and he was wearing them. (It was a beach date. I was living in Australia and that was the kind of thing you'd do there. Honestly.) That's despite the fact he was a professional water polo player and was as fit as you like (in both senses of the word) so could carry them off.

Maybe it's more that I think there is a time and a place for wearing Speedos and I don't think that standing a bit too close to a young producer in a hotel lift and asking her what she is filming, is either.

Neither is it appropriate to look like you are smuggling budgies while at the supermarket, hotel lobby and most definitely not while out to lunch.

In saying that, my cameraman and I wiled away many a spare...oooh...five minutes playing a game we invented based around the spotting of these men in their banana hammocks. You had to shout 'Kerching!' whenever you saw a pair of Speedos and you would get points according to style and location of the wearer. I knew I was well on my way to becoming the Kerching King© when I spotted someone sporting some rather fetching leopard print ones in Spar.

I thought this was just a fun game but it turns out that my afore-mentioned cameraman was taking it a bit more seriously as he confessed to me one night over dinner that he was actually one of them. A fully-fledged Speedo wearer.

How could I have not known this? Had I not seen the signs? I must admit that I was shocked. You would have thought that he'd announced that he has a large My Little Pony collection at home or something. I told him he needed to have a word with himself.

My advice clearly fell on deaf ears as the following day when we decided to go for a swim in the sea after work, he thought it would be oh so funny to meet me in the reception wearing his favourite pair of budgie smugglers. Along with sandals, a t-shirt that he'd knotted at his belly button and a rucksack on both shoulders.

Oh how hard I laughed. Not.

Actually that's not strictly true. I did laugh but only after I'd told him I wasn't going to be seen dead with him dressed like that and the girl on reception asked what the problem was. I mean I know she works in the service industry and the customer is always right but that's taking it a step too far.

So do tell me your opinion on them. Am I weird having an issue with them? (Or just weird writing a whole blog post about them?!) They are definitely becoming more common. When I wanted a photo to illustrate this post all I had to do was look to my left as I lay on the beach and hey presto! Yep, I know at first glance you may think that is a girl sunning herself in flowery bikini bottoms but she is actually a he.

Kerching! Ten points for me!

(Kerching© can be found in all good toy shops this Christmas)


Lifebeginsat30ty said...

Well first of all I am very very jealous of your job! Putting up with a little too much packed sausage while on assignment? Oh the problems to be overcome in life ;) I say: if you've got it, flaunt it! But yeah, topless women should only occur in the national geographic *shudders*

Hand Dryer said...

If you've got it, flaunt it - that's what I say. For the record, I am a swim shorts kind of guy...
Check out my dating disasters:
*Plentymorefishoutofwater - One Man's Dating Diary*

Tuppence said...

Yuk, Speedos are just plain wrong, no matter what the wearer's body is like! You wouldn't believe some of the Speedo visions I encountered last week in the south of France - wrinkly old guys in teeny-weeny Speedos, eeewww! It was almost enough to put me off my wine (note, I said *almost*…)

Sparkless said...

Speedos are no worse than those bikini's with thongs women wear now.

Anonymous said...

I think Speedos should be reserved for the swim team...and male strippers :-O said...

Sounds like a rather interesting job. You might wat to wear dark (or darker) sunglasses to hide the sights.
I voted for you, thanks to Tuppence! Congratulations on being "short listed"!

upsidedowngirl said...

Only ever right if swimmers or afore mentioned water polo players are wearing them. My Tio Toni once wore them, I am now scarred for life. Oh so wrong. xx

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Glen said...

The only problem I have with Speedos is that there isn't enough room to sew on all of my swimming badges ( 5M, 10M, 25M, 50M Bronze & Silver - I don't want to sound like I'm bragging but if it wasn't for the special wee detecting dye in the water I'd have got the Gold too).

You essentially have my dream job.

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