Thursday 24 December 2009

31 The Sausage Incident

It's Christmas Eve and I've finally found my Christmas spirit. I really hadn't been bothered this year until now. In fact, I've been very 'Bah! Humbug!'

Perhaps it could be down to the fact I'm remembering what happened last year. Last year was the year of the afore-mentioned Sausage Incident.

Christmas had started innocently enough. All the family were together. Presents had been opened. Everyone was happy. We all sat down for a full English breakfast.

I'd just taken a bite of sausage and then....

I was suddenly lying on the floor. How had that happened? I felt like I was in a weird dream. A weird dream that involved having fingers in my mouth. Not the chocolate variety, but real human ones. I wasn't even sure whose.

I asked 'What on earth are you doing?' Or at least I tried to. It's hard when your mouth is full. As well as it being bad manners.

Everyone seemed to be ignoring me anyway and talking/panicking amongst themselves. I heard my uncle on the phone calling me an ambulance.

Good lord, no!!

I had no idea what on earth had happened or what was wrong with me but I knew I did not want an ambulance. All I could think about was the fact I had an enormous spot in the middle of my forehead and I was wearing unmatched pyjamas.

Why hadn't I taken note of the old adage that you should make sure you wear clean underwear incase you get run over by a bus?

I know it's not quite the same. Particularly as I was inside where you presume you are safe. It appears not. You should always make sure you are looking your best. I'd received nice pyjamas for Christmas so I didn't even have an excuse.

The ambulance arrived. So I was told anyway. I couldn't see much from my position on the kitchen floor.

I asked if the paramedics were good looking. I must have been feeling a bit better.

They came in and asked the various family members, stood around me, what had happened.

Turns out after I'd taken a bite of sausage, I exclaimed 'Oh!' and then slumped on the table.

A bit like a balloon with the air escaping, they said.

I then seemingly started having a fit and they thought I was going to swallow my tongue (which would explain the fingers in my mouth...)

The paramedics couldn't work out exactly what was wrong with me, so decided to take me in to A&E.

Brother was bored by this point and sat back down to finish his breakfast.

Mum went with me in the ambulance while my dad followed up in the car. I couldn't decide whether they just wanted to get out of peeling spuds or whether there was something seriously wrong with me and it was their duty to be there.

I asked the paramedic if it was anything to do with the big spot on my head. He said it definitely could be and that the weight of it might have made me light-headed.

I decide that the fact he was joking with me probably meant I wasn't dying.

Arrived at the hospital. All the doctors were busy having their photo taken with the mayor who had popped in for a visit.

I was taken to a room and told someone would be in to see me soon to do some tests and ask me some questions.

I started panicking again. What kind of tests? What kind of questions?

Bear in mind my mum and dad were sitting with me.

What if the questions were going to be about sex? Or worse...about periods.

There are some things you don't want to talk about in front of your parents.

On the other hand, if I said I wanted to be examined and questioned in private, I was worried that would make my mum and dad think I had a rare disease that I just hadn't told them about.

I really didn't know what to do.

While I was contemplating, the doctor came in and launched into the tests. Things like walking in a straight line. Nice, parent-friendly tests. Phew!

I get the results there and then.

Turns out they thought the sausage had just gone down the wrong way.

And the pain had made me faint.

Yes, you read that right.

That is flipping all.

Yes, I'd wasted a couple of hours of Christmas Day in hospital, just for that.

And OK, it got me out of helping with the dinner preparations but I really don't recommend it as a good skiving option.

Not unless you can put up with your family joking for ever more about how you have to be supervised around sausages.

Merry Christmas everyone!!


Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Haha, there are so many sausage related jokes I want to make, but as it's Christmas I'll refrain. I'm just glad your family was around to save your bacon. Love this post.

Anonymous said...

Many uses for the humble sausage. The pic is not very flattering though. Hope you had a Merrier Christmas this year.


Tuppence said...

Merry Christmas Rapunzel! Hope you've had a good one.

Keren David said...

I bet you're going to give sausages a wide berth from now on..very wise move. Hope this Christmas was ambulance free.

Bamberio said...

Belated Christmas greetings Rapunzel!

Funny, funny post. I hope you managed to avoid an action replay this year! I love it how your brother got bored and started eating his breakfast whilst all the commotion was going on! That sounds just like what my brother would probably do.

Cabs said...

And i missed it all....

Rapunzel said...

Thank you for the comments all!

I had a lovely Christmas with no mishaps, now if only I can continue that way tonight...

Hope you all had a good Christmas and are seeing in 2010 in style.

The girl with everything in the clouds x

ps AV - I think it is just from a funny angle!

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