Wednesday 13 January 2010

36 Mr Trafford Centre - Chapter 2

So there I was walking through the Trafford Centre with a stud muffin. A hunk of spunk. A hot piece of ass. Basically the most gorgeous guy you have ever seen. Phwoar!!

Well you would think so, wouldn't you? The fact he abandoned girls because they weren't up to his required standard, must mean he is something special himself?

If truth be told he was packing a few extra pounds. Being a guy though he'd get away with saying he was 'stocky.'

As for complaining about his dates not looking like their photos, I couldn't tell from his photo that he had a slight squint in one eye. Or a limp for that matter.

I realise that it could sound like I was on a date with Captain Hook. Please don't imagine that though, because inevitably when you start thinking of pirates, Jack Sparrow will pop into your head. I can assure you that Mr Trafford Centre was no Johnny Depp.

I was actually a bit concerned about his limp. It seemed like it was a new injury and he was still working out how to walk on it. I asked him how he got it.

'I did it years ago when I was mountain biking.'

'Oh right.' So not new at all. 'Does it affect you when you mountain bike now?'

'I don't know, I haven't been since.'

'Oh. What about when you ski? You said in your profile you love skiing. I used to go skiing. I went to France and Austria...'

'Yeah I went skiing once a couple of years back. On a dry was great!'

Couldn't believe I'd actually questioned whether I was outdoorsy enough for this guy. My walk to Harvey Nicks to participate in my hobby of cocktail drinking, probably means I'm more active than him. Liar, liar, your bum's on fire.

I ask him whether he wants to go for a drink first or go straight to a restaurant.

'You decide. The girls I've been out with before couldn't make decisions and it got on my nerves so I decided that on this date I'm leaving everything up to you.'

He was really getting on my wick.

I decide we should go straight for dinner. Get this date over as quickly as possible. (See some girls can make decisions. Wise decisions.)

We order and start chatting. The usual stuff. He tells me that his ambition is to go to America. I presume he means to live. No, he just means on holiday.

Now maybe I'm wrong but isn't an ambition something that you have to strive to achieve? Something you have to put blood, sweat and tears into? Something that you might never happen unless you work at it? (Like mine, which is to be able to do chin-ups. Ain't never gonna happen...)

Surely if you want to go on holiday to America, you just save some money and go? I mean, I've fulfilled his ambition three times.

I suppose there's always the possibility that he is a criminal...

'We're having a great time aren't we?' he says. 'Aren't we having a right laugh?...What about when we first met and I pretended to be a fat guy? Ha ha!'

I make a mental note that I must stop that bad habit I have. That habit of making the best of a situation and always trying to enjoy myself, because it seems to be giving him the wrong impression.

He tells me that he's checked the trains between Manchester and his town and they're frequent so I'll be able to see him easily. He suggests I go to his next weekend. Says I can stay over if I want.

Not in this lifetime.

Asks me if I have any pets. Quite glad he's moved onto safer chat territory but realise he hasn't paid much attention to things I've said though.

'Well no, because I live in an apartment, am a freelancer and am often working away. Pets wouldn't really fit into my life.'

You know how there is that myth that its always the girls that are the keen, clingy ones that move too fast? Not in mine and Mr Trafford's relationship...

'I'm thinking of getting a dog but don't worry, if we go away together for a weekend, I'll get my brother to look after it.'

A weekend away? Together? Hardly!

The bill comes. He pays. Good. At least there was one positive point to the date.

He gets up. 'I'm just going to the toilet. Don't worry, I will come back. Ha ha!'

Now was my chance. To do it for my sisters. To leave him, like he left those girls...

I'm sorry. I just couldn't.

I had to do something though...something to make him feel even a little, like they must have felt...

I shout at him across the restaurant, 'Actually now you've paid the bill I'm not too bothered whether you come back or not.'

So he didn't.

The End.

I wish! Of course he came back. He's so thick-skinned he thought I was joking.

And then since the date there have been plenty of texts from him. Texts saying what a great time we had. Texts reminding me what a hilarious joke he played on me. And texts asking me if I want to go over to his on our second date.

I have replied to him, but I can only presume his phone is faulty cause it seems like the 'n' and the 'o' letters just aren't registering.


Rachel F said...

Can't believe you didn't abandon him - if anyone deserves that it sounds like he did!!

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Scrap my comment on your last post - THIS is now my favourite post of yours. Christ, I am warming to the idea of a date with you if these are the standards that have been set. I have to say, though, a little bit of me envies the lack of self-awareness of this guy - it must be a content life, being him.

Ally said...

I suck. I wouldn't have even gone to dinner if I was turned off. I would have said I suddenly felt ill and busted outa there!

Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

The Invisible Seductress said...

Damn it,,, I'm still stuck on the Jack Sparrow vision..Damn it,, I'll try to read it again later--wink

Anonymous said...

I havent read this post yet, the picture though has me doubled over with laughter!

And my word verification to post this comment is.... bumshe

ha ha ha

Kate said...

Brilliant post. Absolutely love it! Not the fact that you went on a hideous date with a train crash of a bloke of course, rather that this post made me squirm and laugh all at the same time.

I love how you shouted across the restaurant and yet the loser still came back. Ha ha! So I take it you're putting the trip to the pet shop on hold then? ;-)

Kate x

Keren David said...

What a charmer...great ambition though

Little Sophie said...

Wow, that's bad.
Seriously, I can't belive he's really that ignorant.
Though I understand why you couldn't just leave, you're a nice person.
He's a crazy person.
And very persistant, you might want to check up on how to get a restraining order.
Just in case...


Tuppence said...

Awww Rapunzel, they say that laughter is the best medicine and you've just given me a great big dose of it! Thanks for that post but I'm so sorry you keep getting stuck with freaks, idiots and weirdos. I really think you need to change your choice of online dating site.

Whatever you do don't reply to any more of Mr Trafford Centre's texts - he'll get the idea eventually and you really don't want to be wasting any more of your hard earned cash on texts to such a loser. (How is work at the moment? Are you still temping?)

Chin up missus - you'll get there in the end.


Dutch Sugar Babe said...

I really don't like it when people start saying 'We're having a great time aren't we?'
It sucks all the fun right out of me :)

Bird on a Wire said...

I'm sorry to laugh at your misfortune but this is hilarious. Why do we put ourselves through situations like this? It raises the old fairy tale saying "you have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet your prince" - although I'm presuming you didn't kiss him??!!. Let's hope Fish is the exception to his amphibian can only get better - right??

Kate said...

Ha ha this post is genuis - can't believe you didn't abandon him though. Is he still texting?

Kate xx

Kelly Seal said...

Ha, thanks for the post. I'm glad you admitted to trying to have a good time and the douchebag misinterpreting it as attraction to him. Classic. I would have stayed on the date, too though. I have guilt about dating---if the guy makes an effort to "plan" a date, I should at least stay for it. Silly me. Have you been responding to his texts at all?

Lainey said...

Too good Rapunzel! I loves it!

What were his emails like before you met? There must have been something in there that enticed you?

Please keep em coming - and get on that date with Fishy! A double North West dose. What could be better?


Ashli said...

I'm sorry, but this is the fucking funniest thing I've read in a long time.

*Juliette* said...

Most of the men I've met online who describe themselves as "athletic," especially the ones who post pictures of themselves skiing, etc. have a pronounced limp in real life. Yet these are the men who think they deserve an "athletic and toned" woman. I think it would be a good joke if on your next date you faked a limp. Or even showed up in a wheelchair - similar to how Plenty of Fish has been fantasizing about you.

Rapunzel said...

If you are wondering what Juliette is referring to, have a look at...

RenRexx said...

His "ha ha"- that by itself was enough to have me cracking up in my cubicle.

The whole "going away on a weekend together" actually does the opposite for me. If i'm REALLY digging the person, I don't mind him saying it. it's wishful thinking and optimism on his end that he finds me desirable.
I'm not going to argue with that!

Found you through Fish's blog, and hoping you both give us good laughs about your first date.

Seriously, Good luck.

Kitty Moore said...

I'm sorry you had to go through that but it made for a great post!

Kitty x

Wynn said...

I would never have been able to hold it together with that douche. Yuck. At least you can say dating is interesting.

Bobby Allan said...

Universal Law: guys we have no interest in and/or are borderline repulsed by will text us until we block their number. Guys we are interested in will eventually block our numbers.

All Women Stalker said...

Oh god, you are a saint. If it were me, I'd have laughed at his face and vaulted 10 minutes into the date.

Ca88andra said...

Great post! If I were you I'd change my phone number!

Mr. Chopoffalof said...

There should be some kind of vetting system so ladies like you aren't forced to put up with this kind of crap. A date in the Trafford Centre? Indoors, bars, resturants, toilets, shops (cos chix lurve to shop), bus there, bus back, cinema 4 pashing... Best of all, you can buy a new sim card when you run off in the middle of a date. Then go across to Krispy Kreme and try and eat your weight in original glazed (which I find is the best policy for ridding the mouth of awful tastes).

Rapunzel said...

Reading your comments made it all worthwhile...thanks guys!

Anyway, it's onwards and upwards...up next is blogging extraordinaire Fishy.

Might need your support more than ever...!

Rapunzel x

Anonymous said...

Oh babe, I feel your pain. I've had my quite a few doosies myself.

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Anonymous said...

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Unknown said...

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